You're like an old friend. You come back and pretend nothing ever happened, like you never left me. This friendship has been similar to an on-again-off-again relationship. Am I being the independent person I deep down inside know I am, or am I being the person you made me? You made me into a scared and insecure person who feels as though no one can rely on me. I can't even rely on me. You shaped me into someone who needs to second guess every outfit choice or every bite of food I put into my mouth and then made me into someone who believes that lifestyle is okay. I live my life in fear. Fear that people are looking at me and asking "does she think she look good?" or "why would she go out in that?" and that fear feels like home. This feeling is so familiar to me, so easy to come to terms with and it feels like I am laying in the arms of the person I love. You hold me, tight, until I feel as though I cannot breathe and gently let go before my face begins to turn bright blue. And then you're gone. Gone long enough for me to believe that I am okay, that I can live my life in pure happiness. A few days go by and then you're back. And it is so bittersweet that you have come back to me. I look in the mirror after days without food and feel so happy with the results. The noticeable hip bones or the ribs you can almost count or the gap between my thighs or the sight of my collarbones peeking out from my chest. The next day, I look in the mirror and see the same person I saw yesterday and feel disgusted. No one wants to love a girl who is all skin and bones. No one wants to love a girl who cries after every meal or feels like they aren't in control of their own actions. I see someone who cannot love who they are because of past encounters, someone who can’t move forward.

With every meal, snack or even cup of coffee, I am ashamed of what I am doing. Putting too many calories into my body, gaining too much weight and losing control of who I am. I used to be 5'3'' and 82 pounds and I was so happy. I was in control of my weight and was so happy with myself when I looked in the mirror. When it became an obsession, I opened up to friends and family about the way I was feeling and thought my life could only go up from there. As the years progressed, my health only got worse. The weight I gained from trying to remain healthy drove me insane and it evolved into self-harm. Every ounce of self-love I thought I had, was completely gone. Now I have made a choice. This setback will end, I will move forward and my future will be bright.

I am stronger than you. And I know I am stronger than you, so why is it so hard to conquer you? I have always loved the feeling of being at home. Home is a familiar place where I can feel at peace with the world around me. I can feel like no one is there to do intentional harm to me. I can feel happy with myself. And you are that home. And I wish you weren't, god I wish you weren't, but here we are. You will not control me for much longer. I will find a way to live my life without you. I will no longer be afraid of food, or weight gain, or belly rolls, or stretch marks. These are all normal, they are healthy and they should not be feared. It will not happen overnight. It may take days, weeks, months or years. But I will beat you. This friendship will end. And I will overcome this.