How I Overcame Cattiness In The Gay Community

To My Gay Community — I Won't Let Your Cattiness Ruin Generations Of Fighting For Our Freedom

I'll be damned if I'm going to let some catty behavior ruin the freedom generations of brave people fought for us to have today.

To My Gay Community — I Won't Let Your Cattiness Ruin Generations Of Fighting For Our Freedom

Remember high school? If you're anything like me, you try to reflect on it as little as possible. It was a time when being gay most likely meant you were considered an outsider. You had very little (if any) friends and your dating life was nonexistent. It was a very lonely period of isolation and anxiety. As teenagers, we longed for the time when we could break free from the confines of our situation. As adults, we find ourselves subconsciously in very similar situations.

One of the things I often hear gay men talk about is the division within the community. It can feel cliquey and there is often a cattiness among some of its members. This can carry over into our friendships and even dating. There seems to be a confusion among gay men as to why we're dealing with the same issues all over again. After all, this is a community of people who went through the same bullying that we did. Shouldn't we always feel included?

The short answer is no. The fact is that even though a bunch of people have the same sexual orientation, they're all individuals. A person's sexual orientation makes up a significant, but small component of an individual. There is so much more to a person than who they're attracted to.

So the question then becomes, how do we find our place within a community of individuals? This would be a good time to do some painful reflection on high school. Think about the popular crowd and how badly you wanted to join them. What advice did you receive from the adults around you? Chances are it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but needed to hear.

You were probably told not to focus on the popular group. Look for friends who are nice to you and connect with you. Focus on people you have things in common with. In short, don't focus on being popular, focus on finding good friends. The same can be said about the gay community. The priority shouldn't be finding other gay male friends. The priority should be finding friends with common interests.

When it comes to the social exclusion so many feel within the gay community, our criteria is the main issue. Is our criteria for friendship correct? Do we understand what true friendship is?

Take Bradley Stern and T. Kyle MacMahon for example. Both men are good friends and both are gay. They host a podcast called, "Legends Only," where they talk about music and pop culture. When you listen to their podcast, it becomes clear their friendship isn't based on their identity. It's based on their love of Britney Spears and pop music in general. Them being gay is a mere coincidence.

Of course, this sort of cattiness doesn't just effect our search for friends. It creeps its way into our dating life as well. Gay men who have the slightest bit of outward femininity are often treated as less than desirable. These displays of femininity can range from fashion choices to the sound of one's voice.

There's always the argument that this is merely one's own preference. Many say it's not coming from a hateful place. While this might be true for some, there are a lot of gay men who are irritated with this sort of femininity. When you grow up being bullied for feminine attributes, it conditions you to view them a certain way. This sort of femmephobia has always been an issue within the gay community.

Feminine men aren't the only ones who experience exclusion when it comes to dating. On certain dating profiles, users will openly state certain races they're not interested in. Phrases like, "no blacks," "no Asians," and "no fems" have become commonplace on some apps. Similar to the feminine argument, there are plenty of people who feel this is just a preference.

I personally think those who exclude an entire race from their dating pool are missing out. For those who claim it's just a preference, how do you know you're not attracted to black guys if you haven't seen or met every single black man? The same applies to any other race who gets excluded. If the preference argument isn't coming from a hateful place, it certainly feels like an ignorant one.

The best advice I can give men who experience this sort of exclusion is to not give up. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Allowing these sorts of comments and attitudes to keep you down won't give you the higher ground. It will only hurt you. Their hatred and/or ignorance doesn't deserve that kind of power. As I said, they're the ones who are missing out.

Regardless of the cliques and cattiness, the gay community is a wonderful thing. Sure, it has its imperfections. However, I believe things can improve by calling attention to these issues. Until then, we need to learn how to better navigate our way through it. Our community is built on generations of brave people who fought for us to have the freedom we have today. I'll be damned if I'm going to let some catty behavior ruin that.

Report this Content

119 People Reveal How The Pandemic Has Affected Their Love Lives, And Honestly... Relatable

"I haven't been able to get out of the 'talking phase' with anyone."

The reality is, there's no part of life the pandemic hasn't affected. Whether it's your work life, your home life, your social life, or your love life, coronavirus (COVID-19) is wreaking havoc on just about everything — not to mention people's health.

When it comes to romance, in particular, people are all handling things differently and there's no "right way" of making it through, regardless of your relationship status (single, taken, married, divorced, you name it). So, some of Swoon's creators sought out to hear from various individuals on how exactly their love lives have been affected since quarantine began.

Keep Reading... Show less

Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B just dropped the hottest summer single yet. It's called "WAP" and we're going to get into all the intoxicating lyrics.

This song empowers females and their sexuality. These women put the ridiculous music industry female beef to bed, and I mean tucked away in a coma.

Keep Reading... Show less

How To Write Down The Holy Grail Recipe Everyone Begs You To Make

Because everyone has a signature cocktail, cake, or pasta they bring to every potluck.


From back when I used to bring my mom's classic white chocolate chip cookies to preschool on my birthday to now stirring up my signature tequila cocktails at every friends' barbecue, I've always had a couple of standby recipes in my culinary rotation.

Keep Reading... Show less

Meet My Cat: Cheshire, The Stray Turned House Cat Who Lives in Michigan

I never considered myself a cat person, but Chess immediately stole my heart.

Madelyn Darbonne

In 2016, a stray cat gave birth to a litter of three grey kittens on my aunt and uncle's property. I had never considered myself to be much of a cat person, but these furballs immediately stole my heart. I got to watch them grow up until they were old enough to leave their mother's side.

Keep Reading... Show less

How To Binge-Watch A TV Show —And Then Write A Review About It

Writing your favorite and least favorite things about a show could not be more fun.

Photo by Mollie Sivaram on Unsplash

Looking for a new show to binge? Stop scrolling through your options and listen.

Sometimes a good show doesn't come down to the genre or the actors involved, it comes down to the fact that it is simply a GOOD show. If any of these things sound appealing to you, you should definitely watch.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

11 Reasons Why Getting A Cat Is The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Mental Health

Cats may mess up your puzzles but they'll always love you unconditionally — as long as you have some catnip, that is.

Scout Guarino

Alright, everyone, it's time to stop spreading the rumor that all cats are mean, aloof, and hate everyone. Like dogs, each cat has its own personality and tendencies. Some like a lot of attention, some like less — each person has to find the right cat for them. As for me, my cats Bienfu and Reptar have seen me at my worst, but they've also helped pull me out of it. They're a constant in my life and they give me the strength to get through the day in spite of my depression, and there's even scientific evidence to support it!

Keep Reading... Show less

I've been bleaching my hair since I was in seventh grade. Yes, you read that correctly, seventh grade. That's nearly 10 years of maintaining a very light shade of blonde that too-often brings about dryness and brittle strands.

Keep Reading... Show less

Chances are if you're here, you're probably interested in writing an open letter. Yay! We're excited to have you.

Of course, not all open letters are created equal. In fact, there's a recipe to writing one for Odyssey that'll get featured on one of our many verticals. When it comes to Swoon specifically (for those new around here, that's our dating and relationships vertical), we receive dozens of open letters each month, many of which are all very similar.

Keep Reading... Show less

With a new phone comes great responsibility: Do not break it! And the best way to do that is with a case. However, picking a case can be a challenge. No need to fret, I am here to help break down some of the best cases for the new iPhone SE 2020. Honestly, I think it's going to be impossible to choose!

Keep Reading... Show less

To some who have been out of the dating world for a while, it can be hard to get back into the swing of things after being single for some time. So, I asked 26 people what they think is important to know before looking for love again, here's what they had to say.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments