I’m constantly running, constantly hiding; busying my mind, my environment, and myself in a desperate attempt to avoid the silence and the isolation. Because silence and isolation bare with them questions, and room to ponder the honest answers; and I fear the honest answers will reveal the hidden version of myself. This version bares with it the reality that I am weaker than I want, more flawed than I imagine, and more influenced by circumstances than I care to admit. This flawed mentality convinces me that pain is weakness, and sadness is only a product of breaking under the weight of pain. With this mindset, I constantly cover my pain, confusion, and anger with busyness.
I’m learning how to break out of this broken mindset, but it’s difficult. This mentality makes relationship difficult to build and maintain. I don’t know how to let people into my “real” world, because, honestly, I don’t always know how to get there either. Maybe I run so much that I don’t always know where to stop and call home. I need people to come after me, to pull me out of the places I hide, to stop me from my constant running. To call out this fleeing spirit in me, and encourage me to stillness and grace. I need them to take the first step that I often can’t take myself, and show me the pattern of grace, of friendship, and of loving.
In my need for this deep level of understanding and grace, I’m learning my Lord is the master of this hide-and-seek game I constantly find myself in. He always finds me. I am His daughter, and He is my Father. He knows me. He knows how my mind works. He knows the places I hide, the times I run, and He knows all the things I avoid; He brings them to me, wrapped in grace, peace, and perspective. In His arms, I know I have found a safe place. I am reminded I don’t have to run, I don’t have to hide just to avoid the things that give me fear and grief. Pain is not weakness, and sadness is more than a result of succumbing to pain.
The Lord is gracious in my feeble attempts at learning this. He overlooks my fleeing spirit and He comes after me relentlessly. His grace doesn’t stop. He is always there. Every turn, every valley I hide in, and every mountain I hide behind. He calls me out of hiding, and teaches my feet to hold their ground. He cares deeply for me, He knows how to love me, and He shows me how to be loved, by Him, others, and myself. He teaches me the steps to His dance, and holds my hand as I struggle to find my balance. He lifts me back to my feet when I fall. He never leaves me to dance alone. He won’t let go of my hand, and He always sends the right people to join in the dance with me, just when I need them. He shows them the steps too, and teaches us His rhythm.
I’m fragile, and I’m delicate. I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t always understand. But I don’t have to run. I don’t have to hide. And when I do, He is always going to find me. I can’t hide from Him; I can only hide in him.