I have sat down to write this a thousand times…and to be honest I still don't know how I feel about sharing, but here goes. Infertility sucks, let me just say that again, INFERTILITY SUCKS! After 4 years I can honestly say it has completely taken over my life. It Is a weird thing that cannot be explained or understood by anyone that hasn't had to experience it. Infertility is something that consumes you, something you want to talk about every second of everyday because, honestly, it's all you think about and it's all that matters. On the opposite side, it is also something that you never want to talk about, because who wants to talk about something that hurts, something that you fail at, something that your supposed to be able to do but can't. These are the contradicting feelings that I feel every day, these are the feeling that have led me to finally telling my story. As hard as it is to see all of the heartbreaking details of my journey laid out in black and white, I know that I would not have gotten through this without the amazing women who shared their stories before me, so this is for all the women out there feeling alone. I see you. I hear you. I am you.
Four years ago, after a year of marriage, me and my amazing husband decided we were ready to start a family. Even after many women telling me that it doesn't always happen immediately, I just knew it would be easy for me. HA! After trying for two years (because yes, I was in denial that anything could be wrong) we decided to see a specialist in January of 2019. After an hsg we learned I had endometriosis and my tubes were blocked. We had surgery in April to get a better look and had one tube cleared. We thought this was our answer and tried for another 7 months. After we had tried for over a half a year post surgery with no success, we tried a new doctor. Just to recap: 2 ½ years, 3 doctors, 1 surgery… no baby.
So, in December of 2019 I went to my current doctor for the first time and I LOVE him and I love everyone that works at his clinic. After looking at my file, he wanted to do another hsg which led to another surgery, which led to the tube that was not cleared being removed. This surgery was in February of 2020.
So, we are at 3 years, 3 doctors and 2 surgeries and, you guessed it…no baby. After this surgery we decided IVF was the next step. We are on track to our first retrieval and I am full of emotions. I am excited, nervous, hopeful, and terrified of how hopeful I am.
After years of giving up on the fact that it could happen, I have revisited my "future babies" boards on Pinterest. I am starting to look at nurseries, baby announcements, gender reveals and shower ideas. I am counting months to see what month he/she will be born in if I conceive on such and such date. The hopefulness is exciting and scary. I am not sure what our future holds and I pray every day that IVF will lead to our family of three. Through it all I am so blessed with my amazing and supportive husband and the best family and friends that put up with the ups and downs of my journey to parenthood. I know for a fact, one way or another we will be parents, even though I am not sure what path will lead us there I have faith that God will make us parents in his way.
If you made it this far in my rant, thank you so much for listening and I hope that if you needed the encouragement, you found it here. I can't promise it will get easier, but I can promise that if you need to talk to someone you have a sister in me.
