Relationship | Sexuality

If you're gay then you've been asked this question by straights before. You know the question I'm talking about: "...So who's the boy and who's the girl?". There isn't much that annoys me, but that question does the trick. What that person is really trying to ask is : "Who's the top and who's the bottom?". Here's why those questions aren't mutually exclusive.

Applying gender roles to gay intimacy is more than absurd, and it can have its consequences. It's a common misconception that you have to be masculine to top and feminine to bottom. That couldn't be further from the truth. Does painting your fingernails make you less qualified to top? Of course not. If you have a higher pitched voice does that automatically make you a bottom? Hell no. The only reason we do any of this is because we're following the lead of our hetero counterparts.

Screw that.

These assumptions are purely based on stereotypes. The fetishizing of topping has reached an all time high. This could be the case due to its ties to traditional masculinity. Bottoming is often times looked down on as well. The stigma that one is giving up their masculinity if they are on the receiving end is alive and well. The irony is that it takes a strong man to bottom.

Not only can these stereotypes be dangerous in the way we perceive each other, but they can also discourage experimenting. It can be hard for young gays to find the room to explore themselves and find what they really enjoy. It can be easy to become prisoner to one position. One person might be a top, another a bottom, and some are (hello, hello) vers, but the point is you don't know what you like until you try it.

We live in a world where gay men live under a magnifying glass. The world is always picking us apart, and we're always picking apart each other. A simple preference of whether you're a top or bottom has turned into so much more. You would think that with the importance we've given it, being a top or bottom is a marker of your identity, but it's not.

I look forward to the day where people can express themselves freely without any shame and doubt. It's time that we encourage each other to explore, and drop the chains of judgment.