Dear 13-Year-Old Me,
I know you're lost. I know you don't always know why you're here or what your purpose is or why you were chosen to live this life. But it's important that you know that you won't always feel this way. I know there are days where you want to end all, where the intensity of the world might be all too much for you, where your heart feels too shriveled and empty to love anything you're surrounded by, where you feel like this world has nothing to offer and you have nothing to offer it. But I want to you to know that life does get better. It won't always be perfect, but it does get better.
I know you feel like love is a lost concept. I know you've never seen love up close and you spend your days wondering if it exists. I cannot tell you if you'll ever find it, but you'll go through the wringer a few times before you realize you don't need someone else to survive. You will get your heart broken. You will be used, abused and manipulated. None of this is your fault.
You will do the heartbreaking. You won't want to admit it, but you will hurt people and that might hurt more than getting hurt. But you will come out on the other side better and more loving because of it. Your heart will be closed for a long time but you will open it again. And only you can do it.
I know your mother isn't your favorite person in the world. I know she's never been the nicest to you or the most motherly. I know you feel like not liking her is wrong. But it's not. Your feelings towards her are valid and they will always be. But as much as it feels like she hates you, as much as she tells you you're a mistake, she still loves you. I know it's hard to believe, but she does. She'll tell you in a few years that she was hurting a lot and hurting people hurt people. You may never forget, but you will eventually forgive her.
I know you're reading this feeling many emotions: confused, stressed out, lost, sad, unhappy and hurting. I know you're reading this thinking none of this will happen to you because you want to end it all right now. I know about the suicide note in your desk drawer, I know about the tears on your pillow, I know about the broken mirrors, I know everything.
But also I know five years from now, you will finally decide to throw the suicide note out. I know your pillows will no longer be soaked with tears (not every night at least, but yes sometimes you will be sad). You will no longer feel the need to break every mirror you look into.
You're 13-years-old and life is hard as ever. And it gets harder. But you will be okay, eventually.
Love,
20-Year-Old You
