When I was a child, some things happened to me that made me feel like I was unlovable, or, at the very least, unworthy of love. Because I felt this way, later in life I made a lot of choices I would regret, and which made me feel worse about myself. Now, I don't necessarily blame myself because I was doing the best I knew how to survive. I eventually learned (and continue to remind myself) that what happened to me doesn't have to define me, either.
I don't know your story. I don't know your specific pain. But I am going to say to you what I wish someone had said to me when I was in high school and spiraling in feelings of hurt, self-hatred, shame and gut-wrenching grief and pain.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I believe you and it is not your fault. No matter what happened, no matter what you said or did or didn't say or didn't do, no matter how many times you have wished you could go back and do something different or somehow change things - NO MATTER WHAT - you are not responsible for the actions of another person. It is not your fault.
You ARE lovable, and you will be loved and adored and respected by others in ways you can't even imagine right now, as long as you let them. You are worthy. You are important. You are epic, beautiful, significant, capable, and strong. You are so strong. You are unique, you are special, and you deserve to be treated well, to be spoken to with kindness and admiration, and to be accepted for who you are in this very moment without changing a single thing about yourself or your story - for absolutely no other reason than because you exist.
"You are the creator of (most of) your reality. You get to decide to switch gears. Yes, you get to acknowledge what happened and rant if you need to. You get to take time to feel into how much what you're going through really sucks, but then you get to choose to up-shift gears and say to yourself, I'm really looking forward to feeling (better, positive, healed, lovable, worthy, lighter, etc.)" to signal to your psyche that you want something different. You can't instantly leap from pain to happiness, but there are steps to help you heal and look forward to a better future." (Paraphrased from an article called "What to Do When Things Suck" by Danielle LaPorte).
The mess behind you may be ugly and hurtful, but the possibilities which lay before you are beautiful and filled with hope. And you absolutely deserve beauty, love and hope in your life.
Love,
Someone Who Cares.
