Anonymous,

It’s been awhile since you last spoke to me, but then again why would you want to talk to the girl who realized you had just been using her for sex? If I were you, I would not be looking forward to that conversation, either.

But, since we have not spoken in a few months, I never got the chance to tell you how I truly felt, and how I feel today. So, let me break it down for you.

I had just started my first year at college when I met you; things were changing, new, and exciting for me – including you. I thought you were cute, charming, and you made me laugh the entire night. We almost got tattoos together that night, remember? Yeah, it’s a good thing the parlor was closed. When you said your roommate was out for the night, I knew I had to capitalize on the opportunity to get to spend more quality time with you. And that’s exactly what happened. I went up to your room with you, we bonded over our mutual love for a specific movie, I laid in your bed with you, watching "Scarface" together, and it all led to the climactic kiss. I could tell you wanted to kiss me, as each movement you made resulted in you pulling me closer, wetting your lips, and the sound of your heartbeat racing the entire time. We fell asleep together, sleepily exchanged more kisses, and delayed my departure for as long as possible.

In hindsight, would I avoid that entire night? Yes. Today, I wish I had never met you, or at least never went up to your room. I wouldn’t be writing this article if I had just gone back to my own dorm.

But for the following three weeks, I was engulfed in my own euphoria. We spent every imaginable second together and each moment we were separated I was planning on when I would see you next. You were my best friend. You made me happier than I had ever felt. We stargazed, went for midnight walks, got drunk together, listened to Lord Huron’s “The Night We Met” on repeat; we were the cutest non-couple, I would argue.

And then it stopped.

You blocked me on every platform that would allow us to have contact. Out of nowhere. I was taken aback; things were going so well – what changed?

When I ran into you a few days later you told me you needed space. That you felt too “obligated” to treat me as your girlfriend and you wanted to be “just friends.” I did not forgive you for cutting me out like that, but I was ready to work towards being just friends if it meant that I could still be a part of your life.

But you didn’t keep your promise.

You never messaged me, you never tried to see me, you stood me up. You even had hickeys on your neck at one point, and I knew they weren’t the ones I gave you.

Fast-forward to today.

It still fucking hurts.

I still think about the times we shared. I still wake up each day hoping that you’ll try to reach out to me. I still feel betrayed.

I remember being afraid that this would happen while we were still friends. Or more than friends. Whatever the boundaries were. I told you my fears. I held onto you so tightly with each hug, I rested my head in the nook of your collarbone and whispered, “please don’t leave me,” to which you replied, “I would never.” What the fuck happened?

You took those fears and used them against me. Each one came true in the worst way possible. You cut me out of your life, you hooked up with other girls right after you left me, and you don’t even try to maintain a basic level of friendship between us.

I don’t even get a smile or “hi” whenever you pass me on the street. You make me feel neglected like I wasn’t good enough for you. And the worst part is that despite everyone assuring me that I am good enough, that it wasn’t my fault and you have issues, I can’t convince my heart to digest those facts.

I think of you more often than I show. Every spot around campus reminds me a moment we shared, whether it’s my own bedroom or the lawn where we laid to stargaze, or the library where I gave you that last hug. I can’t watch my favorite movie anymore, or at least not for some time.

When I see you walking around I want to just stop in front of you and ask what the hell is going through your head, if you think of me or care how I’m doing. You probably don’t, but I sometimes like to hope you do.

Although I don’t feel the pain as strongly as I did, it’s still there. I got shivers writing this letter, because a wave of nostalgia would wash over me, reminding me that although we had a few great memories, you’re not there anymore. I’m supposed to despise you with every fiber of my being.

But I don’t. I’m weak. I still have feelings for you – small, but still present. There are times where I realize that if you came back to me asking for a second chance, I would give it to you. I would give you a second, third, fourth, endless chances. Other times, I find myself pining over other boys and thinking, “I don’t need him.”

Most times, however, I let our memories play through my mind as I sit, watching as you slip through my fingers.

Sincerely,

Me