I am of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason. As hard as that can be to believe sometimes, I stand by it. So when we broke up, of course I cried and ate Ben and Jerry’s while watching a terrible book to movie adaptation of some Nicholas Sparks novel, but I knew in the end, it was for the better. They say the science of getting over a breakup is a one month to one week ratio, meaning that for every month you were together, it should take one week to get over the person. So by this math, it should have taken me three weeks to get over you. It was a short relationship, so that seems reasonable. I think the formula is bogus. I’ve always been of the mindset that it doesn’t matter how long you are with someone, feelings are feelings. I felt more for you in one week that we spent together than I did for someone I was with for one year. You seemed to have an easier time moving on though.

So imagine my surprise when three and a half years later to the day, you texted me. It was a full moon that week, I’d found out, so that explained everything. Exes are more likely to make an appearance in your life during a full moon or when Mercury is in retrograde. I should’ve told you to f**k off. But I’ve always been forgiving to a fault. If I can tell my friends to move on from their exes and not look back, why can’t I follow my own advice? Why is the thought of giving you a second chance so tempting?

You begged for my forgiveness, and to be honest, you got it a long time ago. We were young, you got scared of what you were feeling. I get it, I’ve been there before. I let myself get slightly excited at the idea of being with you again because you seemed truly remorseful and I always thought time and space would somehow bring us back together for a second chance. But once you knew that I was ready to put my best foot forward, you just had to royally screw it up again. For old time’s sake.

You disappeared. You called me crazy, but I knew the full moon had an effect on us. I told my best friend it was nice to entertain the thought of us getting back together, but now that you went MIA, there was no chance.

Then four months later, you reappear. As if nothing happened. I made fun of your Houdini-like vanishing act, but I wasn’t even mad or upset, I was used to the game at this point. You said you were serious this time, no more playing around. You’re at a point in your life where you want a serious relationship and so am I. You asked me to move in with you for the remainder of the summer. You told me you knew I was the one, I just had to be willing to give you another chance. Fine, you got me, I’m on board.

Maybe you couldn’t be patient enough to wait until I moved to a city relatively closer to you, but you got a girlfriend and you made sure I knew about it. At this point, I had given up any hope I had left of giving you another chance. There’s a reason we broke up and there’s a reason we stayed broken up for four years. Maybe you also came to this realization. We had a good run, but please be considerate enough to let me move on. I know exactly what I would say to you if you ever tried coming back. But I don’t even want you to ever consider doing that. So let this be a warning.

Do not come back to apologize, you’ve already been forgiven.

Do not come back to make plans, lead me on, then disappear again.

Do not come back to reminisce on the good old days.

Do not come back because the girl you moved on from me with dumped you.

Do not come back to bide your time until you meet someone else.

Do not come back to remind me of songs that we claimed as ‘ours’ that I only recently have been able to listen to without tearing up or thinking of you.

Do not come back because you’re lonely.

Do not come back to proclaim you messed up, then mess up again...and again.

Do not come back for an ego boost. Your ego is one that never needs a boost.

Do not come back to say you know I’m the one, but it’s not the right time.

Do not come back when you’re drunk and need attention.

Do not come back to pretend like we’re old friends who should catch up.

Do not come back because it seems romantic to break up and get back together multiple times.

Do not come back because you want to relive the past.

Do not come back when your feelings scare you out of another relationship and you think I’m a safe bet.