Dear Siblings,

I had spent the first seven years of my life being the younger child. So when your parents told me I was finally going to be a big sister, my seven-year-old little self was so excited. I argued with your brother about if you'd be a boy or a girl. I won by getting you first, miss. Two years later, I got the surprise of being a big sibling again to you, bud.

Being an older sister, like being an aunt, was one of the best things to ever happen to me... it just hasn't gone quite according to plan over the last 12 years.

Living states away for my entire life, obviously, caused some hard times. I spent many nights growing up, in tears from missing you. I missed countless birthdays, days of actual holidays, and school functions of yours. Understand that this has always absolutely broken my heart.

Realize that I never meant for this to happen, especially not multiple times. I didn't mean to not be your big sister. I never wanted to miss your sporting events or band concerts or talent shows. Sadly, though, in the year I actually got to experience all of your events, it was, to say the least, horrible for us all.

I never wished to make you cry. I never wanted to hate you as an angst-ridden teenager out of jealousy. At no time have I ever wanted to come in and out of your lives since you've been around. Not ever have I wanted to make you think I hate you. Lastly, never did I want you to think that since this happened, I haven't thought about you every day or that I don't love you with all my heart.

If I had one wish, for anything in the entire world, then I would wish to hug you both once more and tell you how much I love you because

Not having any sort of contact with you will always hurt me, please know that.

I don't want to bad-mouth your parents, although I wish you two hadn't had to be punished for something between them and I. I hope that once you're old enough to understand, though, you do realize that over the years, I never wanted to not be the greatest and most supportive older sister I could. I aimed to be what my eldest brother was to me. A supportive and guiding hand when you didn't know where to turn. My prayer is that eventually, along the way, I will get to be that for you.

I do hope that not only do you not think I hate you, but I also hope that you do not hate me. I'm sure that you have heard false accusations about me, but with any luck, I truly desire that you don't give into them.

Being your older sister will forever be one of my greatest jobs. One day, I just hope that I get to have the real chance to be the sister to you that I always dreamed of being.

Love,

This Hopeful Heart