I really wish that I could forgive you. I really wish that we were still friends or that we could have worked things out. We were toxic from the start, the worst of friends yet somehow I stayed. Your kind words and huge heart were a breath of fresh air. I was immersed in you. I met you through a mutual friend and I was never the same. You brought something out in me that I never even knew was there but at the same time destroyed me in a way I never knew possible, made me hurt more than I ever thought I could and made me so angry and miserable for all of the wrong reasons. I fought with you over stupid things because I cared. All of those fights, regardless of what they were about meant something to me. It was my way of trying to tell you that you meant something to me yet you never saw that. Even when I told you that, you said that you saw us as friends and somehow I was okay with it. I was used to being rejected and never having anyone feel the same way, it hurt but your easy smile and telling me how much our friendship meant to you seemed to make it go away. Inside, I was hurt but you never knew. It was not worth telling you because anytime I did you just told me whatever it was that I wanted to hear or that I was the one overreacting, which sometimes was true but I have to tell you it hurt to hear that. I wanted to believe you whenever you said that you cared, whenever you said that I mattered to you, whenever you said in a friendly way that you loved me but deep down inside I knew it was never true. I took everything you said to heart. You caused me more emotional pain than I care to admit. I want to forget you but I can’t. I want to forgive you but I can’t. I want to be able to see you around and not feel angry or upset. I never felt like I was good enough for you or good enough to be in your life and it turns out I was right. I was always on the outside looking in and I finally realized that it wasn’t right. I fought for something that was never there and you never even seemed to care until it was too late. I typed you message after message trying to explain how I felt yet you never really got what I was trying to tell you. You took it as me overreacting yet again. I convinced myself to give you all of those chances even when the voice in my head was telling me no, I pushed it aside and told it to relax. I should have listened to that voice and maybe I wouldn’t be writing this letter, that you won’t ever see and that’s probably for the better. I wish that I could forgive you. A number of times that I have tried have just left me feeling empty inside knowing that I can’t be doing this to myself again. I am better for not having you in my life. I am better for not forgiving you. I am better than you. I hope you know that despite it all for some crazy reason, I don’t hate you at all. The only thing that I feel towards you is pain and regret for not seeing it sooner and for allowing you to make me feel miserable and depressed. We talked a few months ago for the first time in over a year, and it all came back your smile and kind words brought me back, I thought maybe I could forgive you and I almost did. I thought better of it when I realized that if I forgave you, I would just end up right back to where I am now and I have no interest in that at all. You are the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me and despite my best efforts, I won’t ever forget you and that’s my own fault but me not forgiving you is all on you and that I will not feel sorry for at all, you caused it all and that is why I can never forgive you at all.