Stunning, lovely, high school freshman girl,
I see you standing there in front of your mirror. I know. It's hard. You're in high school now, and even though you thought you had it all figured out, things have fallen apart. You're not where you wanted to be. Those friendships you thought would hold up haven't. And you've gained weight.
Every time you think of the number "2" which now is scrawled across the tags of the clothes that fit you best, you feel your perceived self value fall. A little bit at a time, turning you against yourself. You look in the mirror, and you don't see the dimple that pops into the corner of your mouth every time you laugh or those legs that have carried you as you've run and swam and worked your way into the best shape of your life. Instead, you see a lack of abs and massive thighs — flaws that you will pinch and prod and poke and wish away for the next several years if you continue down this path. Your heart is breaking under the aching loneliness you feel, something you've attributed to your weight. Those people must not want you anymore because you are not as tiny as you were before.
Here's the thing, beautiful child: I know how this plays out. I am fully aware of the abuse you will submit to your body. The nights you will lose sleep. The heartbreaks you will feel. Being smaller, hating yourself, starving your body of the nutrients it needs to thrive. None of these things will make you more valuable in the eyes of the people who treasure you.
I can assure you that the gratification of seeing a 121 on the scale is not worth the frustration of a permanently mangled metabolism or a miserable body image and continued disordered eating habits. More than that, I promise you that the loneliness you are feeling is only temporary. Just a few weeks and months from now, you are going to form friendships with the people who are going to protect you and keep you sane for the rest of high school. They don't see your weight when they look at you. That's only you.
Precious girl, do me a favor. Step away from that mirror. Stop picking at your stomach. Smile. Love without hesitation. Shine again. You are not your weight or your dress size, sweetheart. You are the grin that lights your face, the laugh that fills the biggest of rooms, the heart that sees beauty in others and forgives time after time after time. Please, please, PLEASE love yourself. Like I've said, I know the road you are walking. Fix your mind now. Mend your heart now. It will be so worth it in the end.
Because if you can't do these things now, you'll be sitting in a chair in a library, just as I am right now, pleading with yourself to learn your own value and self love as a college freshman. You are your own kind of beautiful--inside and out-- the kind that needs no mirrors but is instead reflected in the eyes of the people who love and surround you. I love you. So much more than you could know. Heal and protect your heart, darling. You're just a baby, but you are made for things greater than you could bear to dream of.
Love,
College Freshman You
