Dear Friend,
Is life getting you down? Everything seem a bit overwhelming? Yeah, I understand. But suicide isn't the answer. How can you understand? I feel so lonely, depressed and hopeless. Everything is just bad, and there are no better answers for me, you're thinking. Maybe you're right, but maybe I don't need to understand your exact position for me to know definitively that suicide is NOT the right answer for you because it is NEVER the right answer for anyone. I lost a friend to feelings just like yours, and I know that he made the wrong choice; please, please pick life now while you can.
It was exactly two years ago from this past Wednesday, May 11; I was preparing to graduate from middle school and move on to high school, a chapter of my life that was both terrifying and exhilarating. We were presenting our school play, Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream, that day for the rest of the school, and I was stage managing. A good friend of mine was technical directing, and the two of us had worked together to put on this show.
I call him a good friend, but that is simplifying our relationship incredibly. In truth, he was both one of my best friends and my worst enemies. We had dated for over a year and had broken up after we both concluded that we were simply too immature to be together at that time, an ironically mature decision that resulted in us (usually) being good friends. However, when we fought, friends described it as “world war three” and avoided being in our trajectories. This day, during the shows, we clashed in what might have been world wars three and four put together. I left school that day angry and vowing never to speak to him again.
When I woke up the next morning, everything felt off. I’d forgotten our fight, and I had a funny story that I was prepared to tell him when he slid into the seat next to me at lunch. I sat there at our table in the far corner of the cafeteria, talking to my other girlfriends about some juicy gossip and watching for him out of my peripheral vision, forming an apology in my mind. But the person that approached was a mutual friend, a bubbly girl whom everyone adored (you know the type), and she sat down in his seat. “Do you know if he’s coming today?” She asked, her eyes widening a bit as they looked into mine. “Someone told me that something happened.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about, but suddenly my body was filled with lead. I didn’t want to know what had happened. Everything would be okay. She didn’t know what she was talking about, she didn’t know him. Maybe he wasn’t here, but surely he would be back tomorrow, and we would make up and have more speedsolving competitions with our Rubik’s Cubes. That was what always happened.
When someone else came up to ask me, though, I decided that I had to know. I slipped into the bathroom and dialed my father’s cell. My heart and the dial tone were all that I could hear, competing for loudness and shaking me to the core. When he answered, I asked if everything was okay. There was a long pause before he breathed out, “I have heard some rumors.” I demanded to know what they were, tears pouring unnoticed down my face. My brain and my intuition spoke the words to me at the same time that my father did. “I have heard that he was lifeflighted to the hospital last night.”
The walls closed in on me. He had always been so happy with a smile that made the sky melt and a spirit that gave the world wings. His laugh inspired happiness, and he had always been such a real person. He loved video games and his family, and he wanted to move to Michigan as a programmer when he was older. He had to be okay. He just had to.
But he wasn’t, actually; a few days later, he passed away. He gave us no reason why he did it.
Friend, I tell you this story for several reasons. The first, the most important, is so that you know you are not alone. Many, many people every day contemplate hurting themselves, but that does not mean that it is okay. There is help for you. The second and equally important thing that I would like to impress upon you is that there are people who care about you! At my friend’s funeral, the church was completely full, and many of his friends, family and former mentors rose to speak about him. His death has affected everyone that he ever knew, and, even now, over two years after he died, friends will say things like, “Oh, he would love this!” or “Wow, I wish he could be here to do this too.”
Finally, please recognize suicide as a long term solution to a short term problem! While I cannot claim to know everything that happened in his life, I know that my friend had a very loving relationship with his family. He was smart, had a good number of friends and had dreams in life. He was excited for high school and enjoyed sledding. His reaction was to events on that day only; if he had chosen to just wait out everything, he would have seen that the problems that he had would have eventually gone away. Please do not view killing or hurting yourself as a good way to resolve your issues.
The truth is, life is full of beautiful things. If you ever seriously consider any self-harm activities, think about the little things that always bring smiles to your face. Maybe it is the smell of coffee in the morning after a long night of good sleep; maybe it is the feeling of finally leaving work or school on a Friday afternoon. Maybe it is stepping into a steaming shower or smelling chocolate chip cookies in your oven or feeling your pet snuggle into you. Maybe it is watching the world bustle through the mall around the holidays or the first cold splash as you dive into the pool. Or maybe it is nothing more complex than just looking out the window and watching the raindrops race each other to the bottom. Remember these little things and hold them in your heart because you will not be able to enjoy these things if you are dead. And if the excitement at living is not enough, please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
Please remember that you are loved, and life will always get better. It sometimes surprises you with bad, but it can also turn around and surprise you with good. You are a beautiful, strong person, and I am proud of you for surviving until now. You are a survivor; do not let anything win.
With extreme, heartfelt love,
Someone who cares a lot about you
