Dear Sleep-Deprived Me,
Some may not see your existence as something separate from me, but I do. I am living a double life. So many college students, and even some high school students, are, too.
It has recently occurred to me that the "me" that wakes up and does things after sleeping for enough (or almost enough) hours, is an entirely different creature than the "me" that stays up super late to finish essays.
Some think I just mean that you are “more cranky” than me but, Sleep-Deprived Me, it runs much deeper than that.
It’s quite sad when I think about it, and I’m writing this letter to you to acknowledge all that you do and what a sacrifice it all is.
For you, dearest Sleep-Deprived Me, have done so much work. Yes, you used to exist just to have fun at sleepovers, and then binge watch TV some summers ago when things were simpler, but now your life is so different.
Recently you have done almost nothing, but work up to the late hours of the night. You have written some great essays…essays that I could never write the same way. You have a gift of having less of a filter, and sometimes it makes everything flow so much nicer. Like that essay for Existentialism, for instance. You don’t get distracted as easily. When you exist, you are so focused to finish what we need to before you can rest.
To top it all off you then might still charge through the next day, even if only four (or less) hours of sleep were up for grabs. You are so great at standing up and making it appear like you can hold a conversation with someone. You also take some great notes in class so I can later learn what details I might have missed. You are wonderful at fighting the urge to flip over tables, and push over lamps.
You have done so many amazing things for me, and I sincerely thank you. What I’ve realized, though is the very sad truth that you’ll never get to enjoy any of it.
You don’t even get to hold onto the memories you create. I don't get them either, and your days go unremembered except in flashes.
You work so hard for me, Sleep-Endowed Kaydee, and I think I’ve figured out why. You have made this secret bet that if you work extremely hard to steal an extra handful of sleep hours to finish something important, and if you pull everything together successfully, get us good grades in college, then you won’t need to work anymore. You do this knowing you’ll maybe disappear entirely, and never see all the great things that you worked so hard to give us.
You are sacrificing your very existence.
I am so humbled by this. Your existence is so powerful. On those rare nights when you are in the lounge to finish an essay, and then another girl from you dorm comes and sits with oatmeal and some class notes because she’s ready to start the day you haven’t finished, you don’t call it quits no matter how much you want to.
I want to recognize how much I would be lost without you. So my promise you to is if I don't get a job where I need to pull in some sleep deprived hours for something I severely love, I won’t send you away. I will bring you out to watch movies sometimes, and let you look through the amazing objects in the amazing the house or apartment you’ve helped earned for us. I’ll bring you to flip through the books I’ll have written, that you might have even have had the ideas for. I’ll let you raid through my real-life adult fridge, for expensive cake or something.
Hey, and maybe one day, you’ll even get to raise our new-born baby… umm, if that does happen, thanks in advance.
With My Sincerest Thank You,
Sleep Endowed Me
PS: You eat a LOT of food. Not judging, just...wondering where it all goes, and why you never get full.
