To My Sexual Assaulter, I Am Finding My Peace

I’ve always heard of romantically having someone take your breath away, but what do you do when someone takes away your ability to breathe?

To the person who sexually assaulted me, these are the things I want to say to you.

In case you were wondering, I’m doing alright. I don’t sleep some nights, and I guess you know why. You took something from me. You took my soul. I used to lay on my floor screaming my throat raw every time I thought of you. Whenever I would hear your name, my body would shake, and I would lose my ability to function. I tried to replace what you did. I searched for anything possible to fill the void in my heart where my innocence had once been.

I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. Do you think about me? Do you even care? I feel stone cold every day of my life, but do you get to go on with yours? Do you have healthy relationships?

I don’t.

How will anyone ever love someone as broken as I am? Trust is fleeting for me now. I can't even make eye contact with men some days. You were my friend, and you betrayed me.

Have you hurt anyone else the way you hurt me?

It's been hard since you ransacked my spirit.

I may be broken, but I am strong. Strong is defined in so many different ways. It doesn’t mean that I have my life together or that I get through every day without tears. My life is still dark, but I see light.

I see light because I have forgiven you. You took from me, but I want to give to you because it is the only way for me to find peace. I’m proud of myself. If you ever come to terms with what happened between us, I just want you to know that I forgive you and that I wish you the best. For this, I am strong.

I want to tell you thank you. Not for what you did, but for who you made me become. I have a fire and a passion that I discovered in myself. My heart aches for those around me who have been sexually assaulted because I have felt their pain. I know what it's like to have a ruined life.

Because of this, I have chosen to be a voice for those who are too scared to speak out on their own. My heart isn't dark anymore. I have compassion for others that I didn't have before. When your true colors were exposed and you violated our friendship, I blossomed into a better person. I would never wish the pain you caused me to anyone, not even my worst enemy, but the pain, the torture, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the anxiety, the anger, the fear, the sadness, the worthlessness... It all made me become who I am. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Not your victim, but your survivor.