Dear People Who Have Bullied Me in the Past,
To sit here and name all of you would be time-consuming and pointless. There’s far too many of you, and you know who you are.
Before I get into what I would like to say, let me give you a brief reminder as to why I am writing this letter. I won’t go into explicit detail; it isn’t necessary. You all know exactly what you did.
Ever since I was in first grade (maybe even kindergarten), I was never considered one of the “cool” kids. I’m sure you remember this. You would often ostracize me from your so-called cliques, leaving me with one, maybe two good friends if I was lucky. It was like I didn’t even exist. On the rare occasions that you did acknowledge my presence, it was only to put me down for something I said or did, or to make fun of me for some stupid reason. This went on until I graduated elementary school.
That was honestly one of the best days of my life. I was free—no longer a prisoner in your heavy shackles and one of those unflattering, itchy orange jumpsuits. Better days are ahead in middle school, I thought. New friends, no pathetic cliques…
Boy, was I wrong. In fact, as I’m sure you recall, you guys made my middle school experience the worst three years of my life. It was to the point where I was thinking that I would be better off dead.
It seemed as though before I began sixth grade that you guys gave everybody the memo that I was “that weird kid” back in elementary school because I kept to myself and was the “teacher’s pet.” (By the way, I didn’t know that being smart and getting good grades automatically make people a teacher’s pet). I was back in that itchy orange jumpsuit and those burdensome shackles. The name-calling and insults got worse. I was called fat, stupid, and was told that nobody liked me—often by people whose names I didn’t even know! I remember one of you guys in particular would shove me in the crowded hallways, often causing me to ram into a locker and get hurt. You would also steal my belongings and/or destroy them. Somebody in your social circle even started a rumor that I was a lesbian!
As you reflect back on that time period, you can probably see why I had enough after 2.5 years of torment and finally decide to tell someone, a.k.a. the school principal. (Who, by the way, was a HUGE help with everything). If you were in my shoes, you would have done what I did too. But you guys seized this opportunity to make my life more of a living hell than it already was. You started rumors that I was “ruining your reputations.” One of you went so far as to say that I was trying to get you arrested—which I wasn’t. I only wanted you to stop bothering me. (In case you’re wondering, my rep never truly recovered after that fiasco).
I don’t have much to say to you guys about my high school years, considering the fact that I didn’t see any of you much. If I did, I would avoid eye contact. But I could still feel your eyes on me, like a lion stalking its prey, waiting to rip my old wounds open. And I knew that you guys were still talking about me behind my back—I learned that from secondhand gossip. I don’t think everything truly died down until after high school graduation.
My point is that you guys destroyed me—and I remember every single little detail of abuse. My self-esteem went in the toilet, and that is where it remains to this day, because of you. Your words and actions from all those years ago left nasty mental scars that I still have. I still have nights where I am up all night crying and overthinking everything, and those scenes when you tormented me re-play in my head like a movie. It got to the point where I recently started seeking therapy because I felt so alone and worn-down after years of abuse.
But I forgive you. Yes, you read that right. I forgive each and every one of you who bullied me in the past. Why? I got my revenge—and not in the way you’re thinking of, like beating the crap out of you or trash talking you on social media.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and that expression couldn’t be any more true. You all may have beaten me down in the past, but I fixed my broken wings and learned to fly. Without the obstacles you threw at me, I wouldn’t have the thick skin that I have today. I wouldn’t know how to handle hard situations on my own. I wouldn’t have learned that there are always going to be people that will not like me, and that I can’t control who likes and doesn’t like me. I also learned that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I found that light when I got to college.
By the way, in case you’re wondering, I’m doing great in it so far. I can see the growth and change in myself since my first day as a freshman. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows—I’ve been betrayed by some people, had my heart broken, and said and did things I’m not proud of…but that’s life, I guess. The positives are outweighing the negatives. I’m getting good grades, I’m involved with the school newspaper, and I’ve made a ton of new friendships that I know will last me a lifetime. For the first time, I can say that I am truly happy. I finally ripped off the itchy orange jumpsuit and broke free from the shackles. And if that’s not the sweetest revenge anybody could get, then I don’t know what is.
Sincerely,
Caitlin
