Hello, letters. It’s me. No, not Adele. Do you honestly think Adele still opens her own letters? Grow up. Anyway, we need to talk. You’re harder to get into than an Ivy League as a white B-average student with all of their limbs intact. I once tried to open one of you (not that I’m generalizing), and I accidentally ripped the card inside. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right, and had to be changed. You’re lucky there wasn’t a check in there, or else we would’ve had a serious problem.

And, hey, what’s up with the licking? Who thought that, that would be a good sealing mechanism, SEAL Team 6?

Zero Dark Thirty dollars for shipping and handling?!

The only up side to your existence is that we have dagger-shaped letter openers, because those things are awesome.

And, no, I didn’t just write this because I’m still upset I never got my Hogwarts letter, for your information. Stop asking me that.

I'm not bitter, you're bitter.

P.S. Thanks for the paper cuts.