To all the Motherless children on Mother's Day... I'm in your shoes and each year I think it gets easier, and it doesn't.
The constant "Why aren't you spending mothers day with your mother;" and the feeling of guilt and sympathy coming from the people when you try to politely (or not so politely) explain that she's not around.
I've had a lot of support, many other moms taking me in and saying, "I'll be your second mom." It's a good feeling to have a "mother-figure" to turn to, but it just isn't the same.
It didn't hit me that you were gone until I woke up the morning after. I was too young to be able to comprehend death, so dad just told me that "you weren't coming home with us." I really hoped that I would wake up and run out to the kitchen and you'd be there. But you weren't. Dad kept me out of school for a few days, and I just remember everyone at school sending "get well soon" cards, and I thought that would make you come back.
Growing up without a mom was tough, I had all these questions about school, life, and boys that I felt awkward asking those who took the place of you. I looked to my friends and the internet, which probably wasn't the greatest. I had a tough time understanding things about growing up that you would've been able to explain. There was an ongoing void that I never was able to fill since you had been gone, I never knew how to feel after you had passed.
I miss the family we used to have, I miss all the silly pictures we used to take, and I really wish there was more that I had of you to remind me of you. Everyone says I look like you, and that's the reason I stay true to myself. I hear all the time how much I remind people of you. I can see it and I can feel it... But I wish I knew it.
You and Dad taught me how love was meant to be. It is meant to be expressed and shown, not just said and talked about. True love meant that you would do absolutely anything for one another and wouldn't bail out when things got tough. From all I can remember, I can see the love you two shared and how his dumb jokes made your smile light up (because his dumb jokes really make me want to scream sometimes). The way you look at him is how I want to be with my husband one day. You guys really set the bar high, and I thank you for actually showing me what love was while giving me the love and compassion that I also needed.
The day that I realized you would no longer be around, it hit me like a train. I didn't know what to do, because when dad was working, all my time was spent with you. My best friend was gone, and I didn't know how to act. I was in denial at first, I didn't want to believe it. I told myself you would be coming home, enough to the point that I convinced myself it was true. The tears and constant sadness around me told me otherwise.
Your funeral was the worst. It started to hit me then, that you weren't going to be around. I sat in the front on the floor and watched everyone go up and talk about how much you would be missed. The one person that I remember speaking was Uncle Brian. I remember him saying how much we looked alike, and how I'll always carry along your dimples with me. Now, every time I look in the mirror, I see you. I see your dimples and I see your smile. I see you and I see me.
I've grown into the woman that I would hope and pray that you're proud of, and I wish that one day I will be able to see you again. I know it's not going to be soon, but I can only hope that I will be able to hug you again, tell you how much I love you, and express how much I miss you.
The hardest part of being here without you is everything I want to tell you. I want those mother-daughter talks; I'm so jealous of everyone who is so close with their mothers because I wish I had that with you. We would be best friends, and I know it. Hell, we were best friends, and always will be.
You have always been the rock that held me down, and when things get tough I always remind myself that you're watching over me, and that keeps me going. I need to make my dreams come true, and I need to make sure that I keep you proud. I love you with all my heart, and I can honestly say you have and will always be missed.
May your heart and soul rest in peace, and may you always know that you are loved.
I love you, Mom.
