Dear My Vulnerability Was Not Your Opportunity,
The number of times I've started this letter in my head, then metaphorically ripped it up, yet, I'm still compelled to write it, again and again.
But the truth has to come out.
Writing this letter is my chance to share my story in my words.
I can barely say your name, let alone think of your face.
I am angry with you for going as far as you did with me. I've tried to push it out of my mind but it is all still so heavy that there are days that I don't talk, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't interact with anyone.
I don't know what your motives were with me. There are so many unanswered questions in my mind that are keeping me down.
Why me? What made you choose me? Why was there a choice at all? Did you plan to not get caught? Are you proud?
Sometimes I think, if I hadn't gone to see you then none of it would have never happened. However, I realize, it would have happened, just to somebody else.
You are the cause, I am the effect.
I should have never been touched in the first place.
My damage was internal, unseen. I carry it with me all the time. Nothing done can be erased like words on this page.
Even though you have no idea what I've been through, you're also, the only person who really knows. So I want to tell you how all of that has changed me.
I'm rediscovering the power you took from me. I am working rebuild parts of me that are still weak.
The circles under my eyes have faded. I am sleeping without constant flashbacks of you.
I find a place of calm and peace when my mind starts racing with thoughts of you. I am learning to breathe, again.
I spent far too long giving myself a fake sense of control by starving my body because you made me feel what it is like to have no control. But I am nourishing my body. I have control now.
You have lit an inextinguishable fire inside of me that is only going to propel me forward.
I don't think I'll ever forgive you. I'm not sure that you deserve to be forgiven. But for now, I have done enough explaining.
I hope all of it has changed your life as much as you changed mine.
I believe, one day you will understand all of this better.
If not, at least know this: you didn't win.
I am breaking my silence.