Dear [insert your ex boyfriend or girlfriend's name here] (let's be honest, you'll find a way to make this about yourself.)

Back in the good old days, we were in a relationship, which means that we clicked a button on facebook which said "in a relationship" such that our friends would click the "like" button. We were hungry for attention, and this was certainly a way to get people to talk about us. We would occasionally post pictures of each other with captions like "So lucky to be dating this cutie!" or "Does anyone know how a DIY treatment for the chickenpox?" You know, basic relationship stuff.

But all good things must come to an end. Eventually, people stopped using the love reaction on our posts. Our egos couldn't handle the lack of attention from our peers, so we did the responsible thing that mature adults do: we broke up and caused an enormous scene, making everyone we know uncomfortable for weeks. And we got SO MUCH ATTENTION! It was sensational to have everyone talking about all the slander we made up about each other. In case you were wondering who started the rumor that you have 3 hands, that was me. Destroyed. Being the center of attention is literally the only thing that matters in life.

But this is all the distant past now, and people have moved on to a different source of gossip. We've fallen out of the spotlight. At this point, I'm not sure what we could do to regain the attention that we deserve. But I have some ideas...

Food fight

Petty theft

Stair running contest

Take up the clarinet

In case you're wondering why this is an open letter as opposed to a non-absurd method of communication, that's a great question. Why do people even write open letters?

Sincerely,

Bud Debordes-Jackson