If I could, I would tell you how much I miss you. I would say how sorry I am for everything, and how much I’ve thought of you since the day you walked away.
My mind knew you had your reasons, and my heart held fast to mine; it was more than losing you. It was losing myself, and having to find out who I was without you that I feared most.
I didn’t come running back. I didn’t let you settle, and I couldn’t do the same. If I could, I would tell you how scared I was to do it: to run from you -- my home, my comfort. To throw myself into the unknown, and to lose you in the crowd. Through the tears we shared and the laughs that faded into understanding smiles, I feared I wasn’t me without you.
But I learned: I learned that losing you meant finding me, and that love couldn’t build a home on a broken foundation. We loved, and our years together were filled with love, but we weren’t in “in love”. You couldn’t talk about our future, and I couldn’t bear our past. We were friends, and lovers - we were partners in everything, but never partners in life.
If I could, I would tell you that I’m okay. I would tell you how hard it was to pick up the shattered pieces of who I once was, and how much harder it was to put them back together. Ragged, sharp, and jagged, the pieces would never fall back into place - they were unrecognizable, even to me. But what they made was something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined - I had become a woman, scarred but enduring, and I knew from then on I would always be okay.
If I could, I would tell you how thankful I am. I would thank you for every fight and every kiss; every night and holiday and smile. I would thank you for our time together, and for your patience, your kind heart, and your thoughtfulness; for every homemade gift and unexpected ‘I love you,’ because I did love you, too.
If I could, I would tell you I’ve moved on, and that I refuse to settle. I’ve let you go; I’ve found a good man who has a good, kind heart. He makes me laugh and gives me butterflies again; he pushes me to be better and do better, sometimes without intent. He tests my boundaries and shows me how life and love could be; he’s everything you couldn’t be for me. But that’s okay - you were what I needed as a girl finding her place in the world; he’s what I need as a woman, figuring out what the world can offer me in return.
If I could, I would tell you I’m happy. I would remind you of how much I cherished our time together, and how much you will always mean to me. I would remind you of the place you will always hold in my heart and the recesses of my mind that will be drowning in our memories. I wouldn’t have traded any of it. Without us, I wouldn’t have become the woman I am today. I’m proud of what we’ve become, and looking back, we’re better people apart than we ever were together. We needed each other: to be built up and torn down, together. Now, we can find what it really means to love someone other than ourselves.
If I could, I would tell you all of these things. I would hug you, I would thank you, and I would tell you how happy I am that you’re finding your happiness, too. Our time is over, but seeing you every now and then reminds me that we made the right decision. Every day is a step away from you, and now, I see that it’s okay we chose ourselves before choosing “us”. It’s a step towards a happiness I have yet to know, and the person I strive to become. I can finally let you go, because I don’t need to be held together anymore - I’m stable enough to stand on my own. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for, and I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t offer some of that credit to the time I spent with (and without) you.
From time to time, I’ll think of you, and I’ll wonder if you’re thinking of me, too. I’ll smile at our fights and I’ll ache for our happiness, but I’ll revel in our aftermath; filing you neatly in my past, I’ll open to a fresh page, and take ink to crisp paper to rewrite my future.
I’ll be okay, knowing you’re better off without me. I’ll be okay, knowing you’re happier, with a clean start to learn what love is for you. I’ll be okay knowing that whoever she is, she can care for you in ways I never could, and never would have been able to even if I’d tried. I’ll be okay, because I know in my heart you’ll be okay. I let you go - at the very least, I could give you that, and I’ll be okay knowing that I could give you your happiness in the end, too.
