Meine Liebe Gastfamilien,
Four years ago, I came to Germany as a shy, naïve and very anxious 16-year-old girl. I didn’t speak any German and I was absolutely terrified, but I knew for a fact that I wanted nothing more than to be there in that beautiful country. You each welcomed me into your families immediately, which was mind-blowing. You housed me, fed me and truly made me feel like your own. You worked tirelessly on my German with me — I know that was something terribly frustrating. I wasn’t very good at the language at all. You introduced me to your culture, to your friends and to your homeland. I laughed with you and I’m sure, at times, I cried with you.
I remember my very first Currywurst, German sausage covered in spicy curry ketchup with a handful of fries, from a food stand right outside of Dodenhof. It was one of my first weeks in Germany, and also one of the best things I’d ever tasted. Don’t get me started on the gift from the heavens called Döner — perfectly seasoned chicken or beef stuffed along with flavorful veggies and sauce into a warm pocket of pita bread. As you can tell, I’m quite the foodie. But it’s not just the sweet apple cake, Apfelkuchen, that I loved when I was in Deutschland. I loved riding my bike everywhere, even to school in the snow before the sun was up. My hands and face freezing, constantly scared I would slip on ice and die, but I was breathing in the freshest air I’d ever breathed and there was a bright pink sunrise on the horizon. I loved the family cookouts we had, whether it was just us or other friends and family as well. In a broader sense, it is you that allowed me the opportunity to go on all the trips I went on — without you, I would not have had a place to call home to come back to.
I am pursuing a degree in history, a topic that I am very passionate about, at a university. I cannot begin to describe the feeling in my soul as I was able to walk the grounds of the concentration camp where Anne Frank passed away, as I retraced the lines of the Berlin Wall, as I sat on a bench at the past border of Western and Eastern Germany and just soaked in the feeling of being alive, of being where I was in that moment.
My year as an exchange student in Germany was, no doubt, the best year of my life. Nothing has come close to being better. My dear host families, you gave that to me. And despite it being the best experience I’ve ever had, I have so many regrets. I have so many apologies. I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. I’m sorry I didn’t come out of my room more, I’m sorry I didn’t try to help with dinner more. I’m sorry I couldn’t always understand the language and you had to repeat things over and over and over until I finally grasped even a bit of what was being said. I’m sorry I didn’t take as many pictures with you as I wanted to. I’m sorry I didn’t have tea with you as often as I should have. I’m sorry I didn’t always come down and play games with you. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s that I was terribly shy and intimidated by speaking the language. I was kind of scared of everything — this is not something you did wrong or could have fixed. As someone with an anxiety disorder (that I was diagnosed with after my exchange), my fear was at times overpowering, but it was something I had to admit to myself and overcome. I recognize that I did the best I could dealing with the anxiety at the time, but now that I am older, I regret that I didn’t do more with you. For you.
I don’t think I knew exactly how to express just what you meant to me, and what you still do mean to me. I wanted to say it in German, and I didn’t know how. I still don’t know how to do that, and it saddens me. I owe you so much. You raised me during such an influential year of my life. It is your love and care that guided me through my study abroad adventure, an adventure that changed me for the better. I never told you how thankful I am to you. Ich bin dir euch sehr dankbar. I never told you how much I love you. Ich liebe euch alle. To me, you are my mothers and fathers, brother and sisters— even if we don’t talk much anymore, even if we are thousands of miles apart. You are, and always will be, my family. Ein herzlichen Danke an euch.
Dürfen wir wieder treffen
May we meet again,
Tori Craun, Rotary Exchange Student to Germany 2012-2013.
