Hello Old Flame,
How did we get here? Things seemed to be moving forward and now, nothing. We started out as just friends like you said, but I couldn’t help but fall for you. You were (and still are) perfect in every way. From the moment I met you, something just clicked. Was it your flawless hair or incredibly good looks? I’m not sure and I can’t seem to place a finger on it. You just had everything I wanted in a person and I hoped you felt the same way too. It seemed impossible for there to be only friendship in our cards after the way we connected. I felt it every time our eyes met and I know you did too.
A conversation with you felt like it would last forever. You had this amazing way of making a simple sentence sound like the most beautiful poetry. I hung onto your every word. I craved talking to you just to hear your voice. I never wanted this to end, but sadly it crumbled right before my eyes. You stopped coming around, and I began to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. The ideas conjured in my head of what we could have been are now shattered. Deep down, I think I always knew you didn’t love me back, but I was hoping to be wrong. It still cripples my heart every time I think about you and knowing that I hardly cross your mind. I guess this is what John Mayer, Adele, and every broken heart speaks about.
You were supposed to be my chance at love. I wanted you to want me more than anything in my precious little world. The more we talked, the stronger my feelings grew. The way I felt about you just wasn’t enough, nothing I did made a difference. I cried over you, which was a big deal. Knowing you would never see me as more than a friend felt like you were ripping my heart from my chest. It crushes my soul to know you still matter to me, yet I mean nothing to you.
I can’t tell you how many nights I stayed awake lost in thoughts of you. Do you know how exhausting it is to constantly overthink the simplest of things? I hope you never know that feeling. A simple “hey” or innocently used emoji prompted an analysis that would put the CIA to shame. You flirted with me when you were bored and called me babe for no reason, and the worst part is I don’t blame you, even though I wish I could. From the start you said we should just be friends, but that didn’t stop you from pushing the envelope.
It drives me crazy knowing I became “that girl” who fell for the guy who wanted to be “just friends.” But if I could go back and change it all, I wouldn’t. You made me happy in ways no one else had before. It might have been meaningless to you, but the time we shared made me glow. I dream of the day when I no longer get butterflies from just hearing your name. I don’t want to be held down by what will never be.
I hope you can understand that no, I don’t want to be just your friend. I want more, but at the same time, I just want it all to stop. You don’t get to flirt with me then laugh at me when I presume it means something more. Stop making me feel special when you don’t even mean it. I know one day you will care about someone the way I do about you and for your sanity, I wish that she loves you back. Until then, goodbye, because I am done being tortured by you.
I’m Going to Find Another, Better You