Dear you,
I know you've had some crazy past few years that have caused you to lose yourself, I understand. On the outside you seem to be shutting down. You're closed off, you're irritable, and seem to be slipping into a depression. You're quite, more so than usual. The bubbly giggle and comical outbursts have come and gone. Your smile has faded away, and it doesn't make an appearance very often. You haven't put makeup on in weeks, which is unusual for you. You choose to dismiss yourself when company arrives because you feel pushed aside anyway, even when you're not. Your patience has run thin and your tongue has become sharper than ever. Your tone of voice has taken on a nasty tone no matter what you're trying to say. You're always tired, insisting you go lay down in your bed and try to fall asleep. You don't leave your room most days, going stir crazy inside four walls. Everything thinks you're just having some bad PMS.
But on the inside, you lay on your bed and look up to your blank ceiling and wonder what happened. Why did it happen, what did you do? Is it karma from a past life? Did you hurt someone worse than you thought, maybe someone hexed you. The thoughts turn into questions to when the crazy years will end and when you'll finally get some peace. When will things just drift on easy like a paper sailboat? And in doing so, you start to shut down again. Repressing and suppressing the constant whirlwind of emotions that flood over you when you think about these last few crazy years, emotions you've put to rest time and time again. But every time something new is added to that flood and it just gets bigger and bigger and you're still drowning. Sometimes you sleep it off and forget about it, others you let the emotions wash over you, but every flood leads you to figuring out new ways to quickly patch the holes in the wall you've built that never last long enough to give you peace of mind and you end up back where you started.
But that's okay. You're about to change. You're going to find the solutions you're looking for one but one. One by one those hole will be patched before you knock down the wall completely. And it won't happen in a day, a month, or even a year because they didn't happen to you that fast, but it's still okay. And it won't be easy to find yourself again, you may not even be the same, but that's okay too. You're not meant to be the same person forever, you will constantly be revising your former self, it's normal. Once change starts to happen it'll all fall into place and you won't be drowning anymore, you'll be sailing.
Best of luck,
Me.
P.S. In the words of Modest Mouse, "we'll all float on alright."
