I thought it would change with time.

High school was just a time of finding myself and following Christ. I didn't have a group. I had a few really amazing friends, but they all had their groups and I was okay with that.

Then college came.

I had built it all up in my mind. I would find my group, my "people", and we'd have adventure upon adventure. Spontaneously drive to the mountains. Hike. Stargaze. Sing with all the windows down in the car.

Then I waited.

And I know it's only a few months in but social media flaunts image after image of my friends going on their own adventures...and I wasn't asked to come. The first time I understood, they probably thought I was busy or something, but then it happens again and again.

I seem to just be left as the friend of circumstance.

Same class? Friends. Same friends? Friends. Same interests? Friends. Same church? Friends. I guess that's not a bad thing. I'm there and I enjoy your company and I hope you enjoy mine for the time...for the time. Anxious thoughts tell me it's all a facade and you secretly hate me. In fact right now as I'm writing this I'm wondering if you will hate me even more.

Is it my personality?

Maybe I'm actually the type of person I've always disliked. I've been told one of my gifts is that I can make friends with anyone. I can find common ground with them because I have a diverse amount of interests. I love that, it's so amazing to meet different people, but there's also and unseen cost.

I can't find who I belong with.

Yes, I know I'm putting too much faith in people, you don't have to tell me twice. I've learned my lessons in the past and I know that should suffice. I try to let it go and give it to God, but it hurts to feel so alone. To watch all of the adventures you wish you could have had play out before you in your friends lives in Snapchats and posts...and you're doing homework. You're sitting in your room and you didn't think it would get to you but it does. It does and it hurts.

And you blame yourself

You let the whispers overwhelm your mind: They really don't like you. They don't like being around you. You'll never be good enough for them. This innate desire for fellowship and community I have is slowly being crumpled. The fringes are where I am left. I try to learn to be okay with that, but I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I have. They're amazing and I couldn't do life without them, I'm not blaming them. I understand I might exaggerate my feelings because I feel so deeply. Even so, I still don't seem to fit anywhere.

So I pray.

I pray it will happen someday. Even when right now in this moment it HURTS, the tears I've shed are going to be wiped away, not by a group of people, but by Jesus himself. No, I don't want you to feel sorry for me and try to include me because of this letter. I didn't write it to have a pity party. I wrote it because I just know I can't be the only one who feels like this.

I know you do too.

You, reading right now, you're nodding your head and you understand. You're longing for other people who understand. You keep trying to tell yourself it's not just your personality. You'll find those people someday. You just haven't found them yet and you yearn for them to come into your life. I'm right there with you. So you hope, and you wait, and you learn to trust Jesus

So I will hope, and I will wait, and I will trust Jesus.