I'm listening to Lisztomania by Phoenix on repeat because it was one of the songs that helped me cope when you left a little over five years ago. I have seen you once since. I have heard your voice about as often. I suppose it is time I put this out in the open, so that I may be free at last.
You broke me. I remember who I was five years ago. Of course, I was bound to change; that was a given. I just believe the change would have been as drastic if you have not done what you did. I became hateful and mean. I could not look in mirrors, because I look just like you and could not stop seeing your face. I stopped treating girls the way that they deserved to be treated. That carried on for way longer than it should have and I ruined a lot of relationships because of it. I'm taking responsibility for my own actions, and accepting that all this was my fault. But it still hurts to think that it could have possibly been prevented. I had so many issues that no one really knew about. I became good at hiding things, and that did a lot more damage than good. It took forever, but I have gotten better.
Father, I want to thank you for some physical memories, like the time on Washita Avenue when I was eight and you taught me how to keep going after I caught the football instead of just standing still. Do you remember the time in the back yard, in the Southern, when I was 11? You used to throw to me so that I would get better at catching. You hoped that I would play football one day, and I did. Sometimes we even played baseball. It didn't make me hate it less but it was fun because it was with you and Kyah. You got me into track because you taught me how to run. I suppose that's why I run from my problems now. I am getting better about that too.
I was a very troubled person for the first couple of years. I could sit here and blame that on you. I could tell the entire world that I hate you and wish nothing but misfortune for you. I do not, though. I have my mother to thank for that. My amazing, beautiful mother has taught me the rest of what it means to be a man. She has given me all the necessary tools that I could possibly need to make something of myself in this world. She taught me to see through people and she taught me how to forgive. She has shown me what true, unconditional love means. You said that love is not always enough to keep two people together. I agree with you on that. That is why I will provide so much more than just love for my family in the years to come.
You were a good man. You were smart and you were kind. I thank you for teaching me those virtues. I used to be afraid that I would end up just like you. In a sense, that would not be a bad thing at all, and you should know that. We do not communicate at all, really, and that is fine. I am an adult now, and I am no longer troubled with what happened five years ago. You broke me and made me weak. I made myself become stronger, out of animosity and rage. I am now invincible, because I have forgiven you, father. There are not enough words in the English language to convey what it means to finally be able to say that I have forgiven you. Thank you for the years that you spent with my family, and do not beat yourself up over the past.They say people are in your life for seasons, and anything that happens is for a reason.
Just know that I am okay and that I love you.
Take care, Geomil.
