Dear psychotic humans who dress as clowns for sport,

I hope this letter finds you in good health, or bad, to be frank, I don’t actually care. To quote Kelly Kapoor: “number one, how dare you? Number two, who do you think you are?” What divine force is compelling you to engage in such activity? I think I speak for everyone when I ask these pressing questions. As an 18-year coulrophobe, this escalating trend is most displeasing. Despite the original purpose of clowns being to amuse and entertain the general public, this is epidemic no laughing matter. This oxymoronic conflict is plaguing the nation, and it needs to be put to a stop. Of all the seemingly innocent things you could pervert, you just HAD to choose clowns – one of the most fear-inducing things on this Earth – well, I guess that was the point… Personally, I don’t mess with clowns. Benevolent or malignant, if you’re a clown please keep yourself at an appropriate distance from me (that distance being at least 250 feet), and go see a psychiatrist. Anyone who willingly dresses as a clown is in some desperate need of mental help. Reader, if you or a loved one earns their living by being a party clown, please know, there are alternatives available to you! You could always be a stripper or a hit-man, both far more noble professions than clowning. It saddens me that this letter even has to be drafted, why does the United States of America have an increasing clown problem? First the election and now this? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - our founding fathers held these truths to be self-evident so that all men could be created equal, not become clowns for sh*ts and giggles. Did Harambe die so that our nation would become this? Come on, America. We are better than this. We are better than clowns; especially killer ones.

Sincerely,

A concerned American citizen