To anyone who's seen me at a dining hall,
Starting off this letter, I would genuinely like to apologize. But just as any other lackluster apology, I won't even come close to saying that I will change my actions. As you undoubtedly know, when I'm at a dining hall I'm a mess. Whether I'm in pajamas and my hair is a mess in a bun, or I'm fully dressed and giving everyone and anyone a glaring side eye, I'm messy. I'm irritating to deal with, I am not the most pleasant person walking in, and I can scoff, sigh, and "tsk" more than any one person should be humanly capable to. To keep it concise, I'm a total ass.
To clarify, I might not be friendly, but I'm still kind and respectful. The issue is that I suffer from a severe case of hangry. When I go to a dining hall it's for one sole reason: I'm hungry. Due to my crippling issue, when I become hungry, I also become angry. While I would like to make it clear that I do not have any moments of anger towards any particular person, I do just casually let out my anger through passive aggressive behavior.
In the case of the guy who took my card to swipe me in, I apologize for hexing you for all of eternity under my breath. Totally uncalled for, I was really out of line on that one. Just to clarify, when you shocked me, it was not funny to say "wow there's a spark between us," because that shock actually sparked a burning rage inside of hungry me. Feel free to have better control of your spare electrons next time you decide to do your job.
To the girl who took what felt like three years deciding which burger was up to her standards while I stood behind her, I apologize for wishing a horrifying case of diarrhea upon you the next time you got intimate with your partner. A helpful hint would be picking faster, or maybe even letting me go in front of you. I don't mean to sound entitled, but seriously it's a burger. The food isn't good anyway, we both know that we'll be disappointed after eating it so might as well get it over with.
To the guy walking to the dish return while I had a full bowl of cereal in my hands, I'm sorry for imagining the milk and cinnamon sugar rolling down your neck and into your clothes because you decided to walk right where I was walking. To be fair, you really didn't need to walk alongside your four other friends, thus leaving me nowhere to walk. Maybe instead of being selfish and rude, you could take a step back and walk behind your friends so that I could walk to eat breakfast?
To the football guy that decided to take all the fries at once, I hope they felt as good coming out as it did going in. I'm sorry for passive aggressively walking past you just to roll my eyes. You probably just got out of practice and were hungry and tired. Granted I was too, but I understand how "The grind😤 never ends⚡️ Can't stop 👊 Won't Stop ⚡️ R.I.P. Fries ❌ West Dining 3:16 🙏"
To the sorority girls from Chai Tea Latte that take up literally all the space at every single table while dining together, I'm sorry for calling your sorority Chai Tea Latte everytime I acknowledge you. I respect you all and while I don't care about whether or not someone is part of a sorority, it's just too easy not to go after that, especially when you're drunken escapades leave nowhere for anyone else to sit in the dining halls.
To the frat guys from Yo Gabba Gabba that somehow manage to go grab food from the same exact places that I want to get stuff from, I'm sorry for hoping that you accidentally sneeze up food while hitting on the girls from Chai Tea Latte. I know that there are only so many different places to grab food from so I understand that I'm bound to bump into y'all at some point, but its really annoying when I just want to grab ice cream and I have to wait nine years because every brother and their mom wants to grab ice cream at the same time.
All in all, I would sincerely like to apologize to the workers at all of Stony Brook's campus dining locations. You all work very hard and truly are wonderful people. I mean no disrespect by my hangry emotional outlets and I hope that none of you take my moody actions to heart.
With love,
~Jared
