It was a whirlwind romance — everything happened so fast and it scared me.

Scared me because love is such a terrifying emotion. And loving someone after only a short amount of time was never something I thought possible. Instinctively I began to push you away, push you out because I was scared to let you in. I was scared that after you saw who I truly was you wouldn’t love me anymore — that you wouldn’t want to be with me. I couldn’t see that every moment we were together you fought to be a part of me.

You fought to show me how much you truly loved and cared about me. You were willing, so so willing to allow me to open up and share my demons with you. But I couldn’t, seeing the hurt on your face every time I would open up the slightest and instantly go back into my shell killed me. My reluctance to let you in was the reason you left me; the reason it was so easy for you to walk away and leave, feeling a new kind of hurt. It’s the kind of hurt that runs through your mind in the smallest of moments. That kind of hurt that causes you to cry in the shower, and leaves an ache in your heart when you see something that you both shared.

So much has changed but one thing remains the same…at least for me.

With the rise of every sun and the peak of every moon you’re on my mind. I’m so used to goodbyes and so used to abrupt endings that it’s a defense mechanism to end before I could get hurt. In reality I just ended up hurting myself more than you ever could. I was too stubborn to swallow my pride and accept that things could change for us which they could have. I could be happy right now with you, we could’ve picked things up from where they left off, kept planning the future, kept going on dates, kept being in love.

But now you’re happy with someone else, planning things with someone else, and going on dates with someone else. Love and pain are synonymous. To love someone without pain is never a complete love. To love someone wholeheartedly, I’ve learned, is that you sometimes have to put them first. I could say that I miss you in one hundred ways, in a hundred different languages and it could never convey the weight of the loss of losing someone you love. And it’s not even a complete loss — you’re still living, you’re still happy, and you’re still going to do amazing things with your life.

And whether I’m by your side or not you’re still going to make such an impact on this world. There’s so many more things I wish I said to you the last time I saw you, I wish I told you I loved you one more time, I wish I didn’t spend the time being mad and yelling, I wish I got to kiss you, I wish I knew that would’ve been the last time I saw your face, or had you warm my heart with that look you would give me. I needed to put to words the thoughts that keep me awake at night, and never leave me during the day. I love you, I’ve loved you since the beginning and I’ll love you til the end. You’re my lobster.