Every Christmas Eve, my family watches two movies: "Elf" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." Now, if you've never seen "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", you are doing yourself a great injustice. I advise that you run out to your nearest video rental vendor and watch it immediately. Audrey is the oldest of the Griswold children and this holiday, I've got a lot to say to her.
Dear Audrey,
DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW ADORABLY AWKWARD YOUR FATHER IS?
I get that he is your father and you probably shouldn't find him attractive in any way, but you can still acknowledge just how hard he is trying to make Christmas perfect.
Your mom can see everything that is perfect about Clark Griswold and Rusty thinks he's a little off, but he still loves him. Why do you show almost no compassion for him throughout the duration of the film? At least you lied to him to attempt to make him feel better after the lights failed to light up the first time.
"The Griswold Family Christmas" involves the Griswold family: Clark, Helen, Rusty and, oh hey, YOU. Let's not forget both sets of grandparents and Uncle Eddie's clan, and I understand that's a lot of people and you had to give up your bed to sleep with your gross little brother, but hey, you could be the spawn of Eddie.
A lot of people have a worse Christmas than you do. I think you can deal with less-than-satisfactory sleeping arrangements and a dorky dad with a semi-smile on your face.
I get the whole moody, teenage angst thing, but come on, girlfriend, you can do better than that. At least pretend to laugh at his jokes just for the sake of the Christmas spirit.
Remember when your face got frozen when your family went in search of the perfect tree? With all the mountains in Illinois? It was frozen in a scowl for a reason.
You probably knew your dad was locked in the attic while the rest of the troops went shopping and for lunch. Maybe we should call you "Accomplice Audrey."
Also, some of your outfits are ridiculous. We can blame this on the late '80s, but the decade can only be at fault for so long before we have to begin reflecting on personal choices.
It's a good thing that you were not the main character of this movie and that Chevy Chase was. Also, it's a good thing you weren't the worst Audrey in the "National Lampoon" series. Thanks for not being a part of any of the good jokes in the movie.
In the words of your father, "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah."
Love, everyone
