To That Obnoxious Kid in Class :

I doubt you know me; we've never spoken. You may recognize my look of blatant disgust, but I understand if you don't. We've had several classes together now, and frankly I cannot wait until we never have another. Until then, however, I have just a few things I need to confess to you. I hope you won't mind (if you even bother to read this--I know you're "too busy" to read).

We can tell when you haven't done the reading. Please stop raising your hand and bringing up irrelevant topics just to score some class participation points. If, in a class about literature, the only thing you can discuss is some movie you watched when you were 12, just drop the class and move on.

When you speak I cannot focus, and not because I don't want to, but rather because the sound of your inane rambling prompts my mind to shut down. It must be a defense mechanism I developed in order to withstand the garbage you spew about your boyfriend's opinion on the current class discussion.

All those side comments are absolutely not appreciated. Sure, (you think) you're witty, and you want to share that dank meme you found yesterday while you should have been studying. Go ahead and share, but save it until the end of class. If you must speak at that specific moment in time (even though one of your peers is talking), whisper--if I can hear you from across the room, so can everyone else, and we all hope you choke on your tongue.

Coming in late to class makes almost no sense. I understand a subtle 5-10 minutes, but anything more and you become some sweaty loser disrupting the flow of class. Your alarm didn't go off, or you got stuck in line at the coffee shop, great, see you next week in class (at the proper time).

Professor encourage us to ask questions when we don't understand, and I have no problem with that. Each time, however, that you shamelessly raise that over-long arm to proclaim you "don't get it," I want to scream. Ask a specific question; you "not getting it" just means you either didn't do the homework, you haven't been paying attention, or both.

Don't fight the professor: they've suffered through far more schooling than we have at this point; let them talk. It's one thing to respectfully offer a counterpoint to what he or she said; it is something else entirely to start speaking over someone with a PhD without letting them finish their thought.

I realize by this point you've probably stopped reading (anything more than 140 characters probably stretches your attention a little too thin), but I am bound to speak. I can keep silent no longer.

Sincerely,

Your Salty Classmate