I wrote this letter to my 15 year-old self because that age was very significant for me. A lot of changes occurred the previous year, and I was then able to understand why I was in pain, and what lead me there, while I was still fighting it.

I was 15 when I made a Promise to God that I would not involve myself in any serious relationships and friendships until I was emotionally stable. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but I had no idea how many walls I would build around myself and how hard they would be to destroy.

So, now a 26 year old woman, I find myself crushing every one of those walls, brick by brick, on a daily basis, while still willing to build another wall because of those same fears that I had when I was 15. Eleven years is entirely way too long to be stuck so by writing this letter to myself, and being honest in the process, it makes it easier to let the walls fall.

Dear 15 year old me,

How are you? No, really... how are you? I know that you are dealing with a lot of pain. Pain that is so unimaginable that if you were to tell anyone, you believe that no would believe you. But I can tell you now, that is a straight lie. There will be many people to believe you and even witness it for themselves. But, honestly, that isn't the point. You do not need validation from them, your experience is enough. Also, there is no need to lie or save face so you won’t be embarrassed by your emotions. I remember the promise you made to God that you were going to get yourself together before having any deep friendship or relationship with anyone. I get it! But, by shutting down and hiding what you feel, it is more detrimental to you and others than what you think. Just be honest. Yes, everyone will not like it, but that's not your problem. Either they deal with it, or, they don't. There isn't too much else you can do.

And, I know how you absolutely loathe being vulnerable, but let me tell you now... it is going to be necessary! Especially trying to develop relationships in the future. You are going to have to let go of your fears of being hurt and open in order to be where you envision yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and others.

I want and absolutely need for you to realize just how vital and essential you are. Stop shaking your head "no" because you are vital and essential. This may come as a shock but you are not what you expected to be: A 26-year-old doctor with your own crib, car, and vacation spot. I mean, you are the exact opposite and it's great! You are still at home with your parents, still in school (about to get your B.A. soon! whoop whoop!), have your own car, and are learning to live life on your own terms. You are doing so much more than you ever dreamed of and so much more than what you even expected of yourself.

Before you even start… stop rolling your eyes, getting angry and holding back the tears because things didn't go your way. It's a good thing that things didn't go your way because if that were the case, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this letter to you now.

See… God had different plans and I know that does not supplement what you dreamed of, but it is better than what you could even imagine. You are a lot happier, even at peace! Girl, all what you are going through right now is going to be a distant memory! Literally.

You know that pain? That depression, anxiety, suicidal pain? Yeah, that is going to be gone very soon and I don't mean for a couple of days or weeks. I mean forever. Yeah, it is going to peek its head out in every now and again, but you are going to have the strength to fight it. You may have been thinking that you have been fighting it, but no, you have been running and hiding from it. I know you are wondering how this can be, but really think about it... By hiding your fears, tears and pain, you are doing the exact thing that enemy wants you to do: Suffer. Open your mouth and expose it. It hates exposure. No need to hide it anymore! You are safe! Transparency is an amazing thing. I mean, if you really want to become the woman that you have imagined yourself to be, it’s going to take some work that will make you uncomfortable and it can be downright scary. But you are going to be just fine. Just breathe and take it one a step at a time.

Finally, concerning your friends, the ones you have now will not be by your side in a few months to years. Some of them didn't have the best interest in mind and other friendships you just grew out of. It is apart of the process of growing up and becoming who you are. I know it is heartbreaking and it seems like I am here to ruin your world, but it’s the end of the road for these friendships. Not everyone can board your ship or you will end up being the one left behind or doing all of the work. You know what friendships and relationships need to end and you have more control than you think to make that happen. However, at the same time, you have the choice to make it happen. Just know that the longer you hold on, the harder it will be to let go.

All in all, I just wanted to encourage you. Although everything did not turn out how you dreamed it would be at 26, it is surely way better than you could have expected. You are moving and shaking things up. You are bringing God's light where ever you go and that is changing things, even the atmosphere!

Whatever your passion is, whatever you dream about constantly: Do it. You have nothing to lose. Take in the whole appreciation of who you are! You are needed! God made you into this whole, wonderful, beautiful being that is combined with purpose, ambition, drive, intelligence, and power. You can do this! He designed you to do this. You have never been incapable of doing anything, you have been incapacitated in knowing your talents and abilities. It is time to break free.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). Nothing can stop you.

Now, go.

Love,

26 year old me.O