An Ooey-Gooey Guide To Writing A Love Letter For Your Significant Other

An Ooey-Gooey Guide To Writing A Love Letter For Your Significant Other

You are not to become the lyricist behind the next one-hit-wonder about doing the horizontal mambo.
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Let’s not talk about sex, baby. Take off your penis glove and slip a grip on a pencil instead.

We’re about to get emotionally intimate, not physically into it. So, yeah. Hey boyfriend, tuck away your D, and whip out your P because chances are you’re giving your girlfriend bore-gasms.

For an article with a G-rated headline, TV-14 subheading, and a for-mature-audience-only sounding intro, I promise that I am giving you what’s stated: A love-letter template designed exclusively for the man whose inner poet currently only exists in the swerve of his hips.

Leaving love notes just might be the key to prolonging your relationship by more days than the number of condoms in a box.

Unless you’re one of those lads escalading into adulthood with a Costco membership that allows you to purchase rubbers in bulk.

Yay to safe sex, but boo to both you and your partner’s bursts of vocal pleasure that lustfully overruns opportunity for emotional nakedness.

For starters, let’s go over the basic formatting of a letter. You need not be nervous in learning the lingo of romance novelist Nicholas Sparks, as this does not even require a bachelor’s degree in English. At a minimum, be willing to learn, and ready to ooze your frilliest feelings.

Letters are traditionally stacked like so:

[Date]

[Salutation]

[Body]

[Closure]

Love letters, on the other hand, require a little more thought in structure and content:

March 69, 2018

Really? There is no day 69 on the calendar. Is her booty all you think about?

March 26, 2018

We’re off to a better start.

Hey Hot Stuff

What’s cookin’ good lookin’?

My Pumpkin,

You’re trying too hard.

Dear Girlfriend,

This is where you swap “Girlfriend” with your significant other’s name.

My commitment to you is an unwavering choice I make every day that syncs the frequency of my heart beats with yours…

Impress her. Flex your way with words, not your abs.

Darling, you do not complete me, but please comprehend this statement as the tribute to your willingness to let me soar. You hype every one of my intentions to reach farther, aim higher, and dream more daringly about my goals, which you continuously push me to achieve.

The sap should be hurl-worthy at this point. However, you can dilute the sugar-load by jotting a bulleted list of all the times she anchored you down and adjusted your sails through vigorous winds.

Though, don’t word everything as nautically because instead of wiping her happy tears, you might have to hold her hair.

Your snoring plows sounds of congested bumblebees through my ears.

Be nice, please. Honesty is endearing until you forget about the part where you curb your almost-insult by ending on a sweeter note.

In the morning when you wake me by battering gusts from your eyelashes…

It’s best you change “gusts” to “a breeze,” but I think I like where this is going.

Feeling like P. Diddy.

There’s a time and place to be funny. Now’s the time to be animated with the passion you have for her beauty.

I view you from the angle of your double chin, and even though you look kind of funny, I love you anyway.

If been here. I’ve heard this. In a more “you’re ugly kind of way…” Is it that difficult to fib a little for the sake of her self-confidence, which she already masters with or without you?!

Also, if your lips and tongue still haven’t tangoed to sound the phrase of three words and eight letters to her face, do not tell her this way.

But I am lucky to wake up to your weather.

Boyfriend, now’s your chance to ramble. Ramble about why her chilly feet on your shins, even when it’s 3o degrees indoors, is more comforting than your duvet will ever be. Ramble about why she will still be beautiful when her hair starts to fall like leaves in November.

Ramble in your own voice, though.

Yours,

Boyfriend

Sign off with your own name, of course.

How to not eff up:

1. If you’re going to write in cursive, do not speak in cursive.

You best be sober while doing this.

2. Do not be that loser who copies every single bolded portion of this article verbatim.

If so, I know you’re totally that person who stuffs a five-dollar bill in a Hallmark greeting card and calls it a thoughtful gift for their best friend. Even worse, you do sign the card with your name, but you don’t even scribble in a little extra handwritten blurb.

This is the time that we part ways. You’re going to Shakespeare up this thang you’ve got going on with your girl and I’m gonna go blast “Mine” by Bazzi now (and maybe you should too).

Cover Image Credit: @couplegoals | Instagram

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To The Sweet Girl With A Broken Heart

Words of wisdom for every girl...

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To the sweet girl with a broken heart,

Do you feel like you're stuck in this hole, six feet under, with absolutely no way to get out? You are not alone, and I promise you there is a ladder just waiting for you to climb it. I know your heart feels like it's been shot, and your gut feels like it's been punched one hundred times.

This feeling is just temporary, and I can tell you that because I've experienced it first hand. I know you feel alone, and like you're the only person who has ever felt this much heartache. I can promise you that you are never alone, and there are so many girls that can relate to you in ways you never thought possible. Don't let one guy dictate your way of life. Don't let one guy dull your sparkle.

Don't let one guy change your heart, or your remarkable personality. Sounds really silly when you read it back doesn't it? All of this hurt, tears, and confusion over one guy! Don't get me wrong, I know that this one guy was your world, you truly thought he was going to be in your life forever.

Up until this point, you didn't see a life without him in it. Girlfriend, look at yourself in the mirror. You are doing this whole breakup thing all on your own, and you're doing a great job at it. You picked up the pieces, and are carrying on all by yourself. You have been through the most extreme roller coaster of emotions, and you road it solo.

That says something, something really special. That says that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. Realize that! This is God's plan for you, to show you just how amazing you are. That you can conquer all things, and handle them in the most graceful way possible.

You are special. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are you! And that's one hell of a thing to be because you are the only you on this planet!

Lift your chin up, hold your head high, and show the world exactly who you are. Never change for anybody. Ever! Heck, get back to that girl you were before him. Strong, independent, confident, selfish. I know the word selfish seems so, well, selfish. But It's okay to be selfish sometimes, especially when it comes to defending your own heart.

Take that vacation, dress up just because, do your makeup and take selfies just because you want to, go to the gym, get that tan, go to that party, spend time with your greatest friends, hug your mom!

Do all of these things carelessly, do them because you deserve it, and because you can! And at first you may be doing them as a distraction from all that you've been through, but soon enough you'll find that you're doing them not because you need to, but because you want to!

Simply because this really is the new and improved you. Learn from this pain. Learn to love yourself again without him, without constantly feeling like you need to be reminded by him that you are loved. Instead, love yourself and I assure you when other people see that, they'll love you even more.

Girls, when we love someone, we love deeply, we love wholeheartedly, and that person never has to question our love for them. You deserve that same exact love in return. There are plenty of other guys out there just waiting to take care of your heart, and love you unconditionally. You deserve nothing but that!

Do not stop until you find that guy. You can change the world just by being a kind hearted human being. Don't get revenge, don't force yourself to move on as quickly as he did, don't torture yourself with remembering "the old him," and definitely don't change. I know it's hard to see him changing in the worst way, to the point where you don't even recognize him anymore. To the point where he feels like a complete stranger to you.

Do not stoop to his level. Trust me, one day, he will look back on his life and probably regret losing you. Of course, I know all you're wishing is that he'd be able to see that right now, but that just isn't God's plan. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself the time to grieve, and hurt, and be upset.

Those are all good things.

That is what is going to allow you to heal, and move on to become a better, stronger, happier, and more mature you! I promise you, that a year from now all that you're stressing about will not mean a thing. This is our one and only chance at life, we can not let one person take away all the happiness that we deserve.

The right guy will never leave, even when times get tough he will always fight for you. I saw something on twitter that said, "take sex away and you'll come to realize that not many individuals have much to offer. This generation is so pressed for the physicality that ya'll forget mentality creates the bond and forms longevity."

That hit extremely close to home for me and is something that everyone needs to remember.

Fall in love with somebody's heart, mind, and soul. Go beyond their looks, go beyond the attraction, dig deeper. Don't be that shallow girl, who doesn't know how to love the right way. You are so much better than that. To every single broken hearted girl, I am so proud of you! I am always here for you, you have so much love and support. I've realized that myself. As I write this, I feel relief, no longer sad or dwelling on the past. What is coming is always better than what is gone. Now get that beautiful smile back on your face because you are too pretty to be sad.

P.S. To the "other girl" (if there is one).

How dare you take him away from me? You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew my whole heart was on the line. Women need to start respecting other women. Think before you act. Would you want to be in my position? I sure as hell hope not, and now that you have him I hope you're thinking about how you hurt me. And if you're not, then you have a lot to learn about life hunny.

It's kinda weird because I can't hate either of you. Simply because I want nothing but the best for him. It's crazy how someone can break your heart into a million pieces, but you still have such a special place in your shattered heart for them. Besides that, take good care of him. I hope he can learn from you, and love you in all the ways he couldn't love me or any of his other ex's. Every relationship is a lesson, and there is always something to learn. So thank you for teaching me mine.

P.S- To "the guy who did this" Imagine you have a daughter someday, and some boy breaks her heart the way you did mine. I hope you think back to this, and remember me. Maybe by that time, you'll feel sorry.

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9 Signs That You've Attained 'Comfortable Status' In Your Relationship

Everyone has that moment when you realize you would've NEVER done that in front of your S.O. six months ago.

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There are many tell-tale signs that point out that you feel secure in your relationship and are comfortable with your partner.

1. You talk about LITERALLY everything.

No conversation point is off limits. There is nothing you won't talk about with that person—weird, but also kind of refreshing. You can talk about your day at work, the annoying kid in your class, tell your S.O. they have spinach in their teeth...

2. You don't have to text them all the time to know what's going on.

While checking in throughout the day is cute, if you go for an hour or two without hearing from them, it's not the end of the world. You know he's probably playing basketball at the rec or she's probably at chapter meeting and can't respond.

3. You aren't afraid to voice your opinion.

In the early days of dating, you may have said her shirt looks great when in fact you hate the color, or you may have told him you don't care if you get Chinese food even though you ate it last night for dinner. When you're truly comfortable, let it fly! Tell them how you really feel (to an extent)!

4. That person is always the first person you go to with everything. 

Whatever the circumstance is — just got a job, failed an exam, lost your wallet, etc. — you always text that person first, even if there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. It just feels right, like something you should do.

5. You aren't as insecure. 

So what if you didn't have time to shower before they came over? No biggie. If you brought the wrong shirt to their house? No worries! You forgot PJs and are staying over? You can borrow their shirt! These things don't become a big deal anymore.

6. You're not completely and totally head over heels all the time anymore.

Of course you still love each other, but it's OK to get on each other's nerves every once in a while! Maybe you had a bad day and they aren't listening. Maybe you wanted to hang out and they forgot and made plans. It's OK! Just use these experiences as an excuse to tell the other person how you feel and DON'T BE PETTY. At least for very long.

7. You sign each other up for things.

Maybe your BF has to be your plus one to your date party or you have to be his plus one to formal. Either way, you sign each other up and tell each other about it later. It's not like they'd have weekend plans that weren't with you anyway, right?

8. You sleep like a baby together.

You've gotten used to his snoring and tossing and turning, and he's gotten used to you taking up the whole bed and sleeping in the middle. It happens, right? You figured it out.

9. You both need your space.

Sometimes you need a night or a weekend away from each other, and that's OK! It just means they'll have time to miss you and they'll realize they wanna spend more time with you.

What else have I forgotten? I'm sure there are other signs you and your S.O. are getting comfy with each other. Comment below!

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