Just like every other organ in the body, the brain has the ability to get sick. Unfortunately, sickness within your brain is often overlooked and dismissed as "just a phase." People without mental illness are often confused as to what mental illness really is. My mental illness is anxiety. My anxiety is something I deal with every single day. I do not get a break, and it is something I can never escape. Anxiety effects everyone differently, but I thought I would document just 30 minutes inside my head. I did not write this for people to feel bad, but rather to express that mental illness is real and it is not something you should be afraid to say you have and to help those without mental illness better understand it. My 30 minutes starts now:

Wow, today sucks life suck everything sucks depression sucks I suck I hate me but I also love me I am confused about a lot and I feel like I need to be tied down to things that I am not ready to be tied down to there is way too much life to live I don't know why I can’t use periods and this is one long sentence how do I do well in English... maybe because I am not taking it. I am PMSing rn, is that actually real????? I am actually writing everything that comes to my head, this is a mess. God help me, is he/she real??? Is it offensive to call God it??? I am a mess. I took a break to remember a video about this guy dressed in a pink suite, pretending to be a stressed mom (aka my aesthetic) the video is “ A Day With Mom.” Sometimes I put commas where they don't belong just because I feel like you should take a breath. I am about to start crying and I am not sure why. I am listening to Bon Iver so that is probably why. I should not do this to myself in the middle of the library. Sometimes I want to die, not in a suicidal way but in a I-need-some-more-sleep way, ya know? I just need a break. Have you heard of past life regressions because I think about my past lifes. I asked my friends and they said it is supposed to be lives but I feel it should be “Lifes” because I only had one life at a time, if that makes any sense at all??? Probably not, but back to the past life regression thing, okay so I am sure I had other lifes (I am sticking to it).

I have an extreme connections to places I have never been almost a home sickness and I think it is because I am from there in my past life. I also have people (like my mom) who I feel like they move across lifes with my soul because I have this weird obsession with her existence and I also feel that way about many of my close friends, but I met most of them over summer but I feel like I have known them my whole life????? Idk its confusing stuff ya know. So I NEED this past life regression to happen. Wow sometimes my mind never stops going but then sometimes it just stops. I like when it stops, I wish it would happen when I sleep, but it does not. College is a roller coaster and I exaggerate most things but I feel like gray does not exist in my life except my mind is gray (Wow haha gray matter but that's not what I’m talking about). Gray areas are only in my brain, everything I do is extreme. I mean not like extreme sports or anything but like with how I act towards people. I either love unconditionally or not at all. I kind of feel like I am writing my autobiography but I am not sure why I am writing it. I keep coughing because I am dying (I am also a hypochondriac) I lost my train of thought because I like this song, but I don't know it. I don't know words to many songs because I like the music much better idk. Oh so yeah I am sick but not that sick because I am walking and talking. Can you have a midlife crisis at 18??? Technically it is past my midlife because I plan on dying at 27 like all of the legends. I really like pictures and art and I suck at both but I think I am better at pictures. I am not sure why I am so afraid of failure I should really work on it. I suck with people too. I screw up every relationship I am in and idk maybe I don’t deserve to loved idk. I say idk a lot because I actually don't know much but I know I don't know. I am about to start crying because I suck sometimes. I am tuning my friends out and I shouldn’t because they freaking rock most of the time. Now I am crying because Jade told me she loves me, I love her soul a lot. Her soul is like my mom's. I Don't actually know why I am crying I should stop. People are probably watching me cry and judging me. Why do I care so much about what people think????