As I was sitting at work today, entering things into online databases, sending emails, and scanning one hundred page documents onto my computer, it hit me. I’m only here once.
I’m a nervous person; I think a lot. Things that wouldn’t even phase other people make my heart beat irregularly, my hands sweat, and my brain feel all weird and numb. I don’t know if this is something that doesn’t phase the people around me, per se, but I do know that my blood pressure was abnormally high when I was in my office thinking about the fragility of life.
I can order Jimmy John’s a billion times and I can go to work every single day. I can get eight hours of sleep every night and try to watch all of season 2 of New Girl in one sitting. I can swim as many miles as physically possible and I can listen to my favorite song on repeat. Yet, I can only have one of what I want the most; life.
Like I said before, thinking about this concept made me panic, which I’m sure would evoke questioning side-glances and pitiful smiles from my coworkers if they were to pass my office during this mini-meltdown. However, I was somewhat comforted by the fact that if longevity were guaranteed, I am sure I wouldn't take full advantage of my time here.
If I knew I’d live forever, I’d most likely never exit my extremely small comfort zone and I wouldn't have the urge to seek adventure. I would be unfazed by the various milestones being accomplished by the people love; my cousins graduating from high school, my sister talking to a boy, my coach having a baby. I wouldn't be in any rush to do things that make me happy, which is scary because, for me, being happy is something that is so, so important.
Another comforting thought was that, although I only get one of the thing I want the most, the things I get to do a million times are what make up my life. So, instead of worrying about only getting one life, I should probably just be focusing on choosing really good little things to incorporate into my really big life.
That’s just the way things work, I guess. I mean, it’s not like you can live forever. Half of the reason why life is so special is because it’s filled with uncertainty. Without that uncertainty, what would there be to treasure?
