When I think of you I smile. I think of falling in love. I think of the butterflies you used to give me. I think of the smiles that made my cheeks sore. I think of staring at you, being proud to call you mine. I think of my best friend. And now I also think of heart ache.
Nothing could ever replace the time we spent together and the special place you have in my heart. However, I won't let you control me anymore. I won't let you make me feel bad for choosing what is best myself. I refuse to let you make feel bad about who I am as a person. You decided you didn't want to be with me. I begged and begged and I still was left alone. So here are my last words to you.
I chose me. I chose happiness.
For so long you did make me happy but the support I needed wasn't there. I needed you to want to want me so bad that nothing would stop us from being together but you didn't. You decided you could live without me. Well I can live without you too, I just don't want to. But now I have no choice so I chose me. I chose to give myself the love I wanted from you.
As I sit here and grieve about the fact that you have already moved on I constantly remind myself that its okay to not be okay.
It's okay to feel the pain.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay not to be okay.
For a few weeks now I've been killing myself wondering what I could have fixed. I kept asking myself what I could do to have made you stay. What things could I live without, what dreams could I give up on to keep you?
Give up.
I shouldn't have to give up anything to be with the person I love. I should be able to have it all. I should be able to follow my dreams with you by my side.
So, as my final goodbye I want to thank you. Thank you for being such a big part of my life. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories I have ever had. Thank you for giving me my first taste of love. And thank you for making me want to love myself more than ever. I wish I could continue my life journey with you by my side but I can't stay stuck in the past. I love you but I chose to pursue my dreams.
When I think of you now I think of the boy who didn't pick me. But that's okay. Although it hurts like hell I know I'll some day look back and it won't hurt as bad. One day I'll finally be okay.
