In a middle school full of bullies -
Wait. Wrong segment.
ANYWAY!
It's Christmas Time, and everyone knows the stress of this wonderful time of year... Can you sense the sarcasm? I'm an outcast in my family. Tattoos, piercings, you name it; I have it. When it comes time to shove 35 some odd people into a small room, it's either heightened anxiety, or follow these steps to stay calm, cool and collected this holiday season. Brace yourselves, people. It's about to get frosty.
1. Socialize
I know, THE HORROR! But believe me, if you don't socialize, you are absolutely opening yourself up for questions such as, "Am I ever going to get grandkids?" "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" "When are you going to get a real job?" Open up the conversation by asking them about their lives, hence shutting, no slamming, the doors to your life and the questions you hear every single holiday.
2. Stuff Your Face
One of the best things about Christmas is the food. My family is one full of bakers, so never once do any of us go hungry or run out of food. I have noticed that if I sit in my little corner and eat my food quietly, the conversation about how stupid I look with my nose ring doesn't happen as early in the day. Maybe I just have a food addiction, who knows.
3. Don't Freak Out.
Inevitably, the talk will start and you will have to compose the beast and let them talk. They have opinions, just like you do. For example, "Uncle Leroy does not look good in those jeans." "No, Aunt Beth, you can't pull of pink hair." "Sure Cousin Melvin, I can show you how to selfie - no, not from that angle." Their opinions may be a bit more hurtful, but I suppose that's because the filter turns off after the age of 45. "Your nose ring makes you look like a bull." "Tattoos are for thugs." "What's with the purple hair?" "You look goth." Well THANKS DUDE I TRIED REAL HARD TO DISAPPOINT MY FAMILY! AM I MULAN YET? HAVE I DISHONORED MY COWS?
4. Don't Use Your Phone As An Escape
The one thing I have noticed most of all is that when I use my phone at any family gathering, they find some reason to be angry I am using it. That, among all the other things, adds to their anger and talk. You may be saying "WORTH-IT HEADPHONES ARE A GIFT," but I have little cousins. Headphones don't last long. Plus, despite the pain family can cause, they are family and they do love you. The day is only 24 hours, and it won't last forever.
When all else fails...
5. Sit In A Corner And Contemplate Jumping Into The Lake.
The lake outside is frozen solid, but if you carve a hole, maybe you can squeeze in, despite the 100 pounds you gained from the potatoes and pumpkin pie. Maybe someone will drive down the road and you can hitch a ride to ANYWHERE BUT HERE. Walking doesn't seem so bad, does it? Who are you kidding, you're stuck, and you're doomed. Face the crap and deal with it. It's one day a year, and you will survive. I promise. I have 19 years of proof on my belt. If I can do it, so can you.
