Bad Habits

Depression is like a wave, at times it can come in smooth and calm without notice and slowly fade away on its own. However, much like a wave at times it can knock you on your ass and drag you deeper into water as it retracts. It is like an old habit that dies hard and with it, you feel as if you are slowly dying too. The endless fake smiles and laughs that need to be produced in order to keep everyone off your back. Yet, you realize that when people can’t see you’re hurting they assume it is all okay. Making you stuck in this endless fake cycle of wishing someone would see and hoping they don’t. A brick wall might feel better to run into than yourself in the mirror after your mind is telling you that you aren’t good enough and allows you to doubt every choice you have ever made. There is hope that sleep can kick in before your mind starts to over think and you wish someone would understand but you can’t find the words to make them. Everyone thinks you are tired from your daily life but you’re missing class and work and you do not know how to get yourself on track.

It is hard to get up when all you want to do is lay in bed. It is hard to pull the blankets off of yourself and get ready in the morning when you know that you are passing three mirrors on your way out the door and your fake smile doesn’t work as good in the morning. Lack of caffeine is blamed yet, no amount of coffee in the world could fix how tired you are. Depression is an old habit that you wish you could get rid of yet resort back to when things are too hard. You wish that it would leave on it’s own yet you know if it does then you’d feel lonely. It is a love hate relationship that you have, one where you never want to see it but when it comes you never want it to leave. As bad as you feel you are comforted by familiar emotions from years ago. You think about everyone else’s feeling but your own and because of that you are still moving forward. Might not be as strong, might not be as fast but you put one foot in front of the other and make plans for tomorrow. Like all bad habits you hope that it can be broken and like all oceans you know the waves can be calmed.