If I could say one last thing to you, I would thank you. If you only knew what I feel today as I learn to do life without you. It took baby steps. I had to navigate through my day to day activities without you. I had to learn who I was again and not just who I was with you. Thank you for showing me how strong I truly am when I had no other choice but to be a strong and independent woman.
You left faster than you came. You made me feel like it was my fault. For the first few nights after you left me, all I did was lay in bed and figure out what was so wrong with me that you didn’t want me. I replayed every conversation we had leading up to the end and couldn’t quite figure out where things went so wrong. I waited for you to come back and apologize while telling me you regret the choices you made. I waited by my phone just to see if you still cared. In these moments, I finally realized you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.
People always said you were a guy with good intentions, but I just want to know what your intentions were with me? I’d like to think it wasn’t your intention to leave me in tears feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Or it wasn’t your intention to make me hate my flaws since you made me feel unworthy of your love. Whether it was because I had standards you couldn’t meet or you saw me as the broken girl because of my past, it is still not an excuse to just decide one day you don’t love me anymore.
Leaving hurt enough, but when I saw there was someone new immediately after, I realized I simply wasn’t the girl you wanted. I didn’t meet the criteria of a girl you want. I wasn’t good enough in your eyes. She has something that I do not. At first I thought we’d be friends, until I learned that you had no place for me in your life. School, friends, and your new girl became your life. I didn’t fit. There is no room for me.
I thought moving on would be impossible. But the minute you treated me like a nobody, the minute you yelled, and the minute you played games… I was over you. Thank you for making it a lot easier for me. Thank you for showing me your true colors before I was in too deep.
The reason I’m okay with how you made me feel is because I’m okay with learning to love myself again. You have forced me to take a look at the deepest parts of myself and evaluate who I want to be and who I know I already am. You reminded me to make sure next time I know what I deserve and what I don’t. I learned to not dive in too fast and to let the love unfold one day at a time. I learned to not give any man my all, because that’s not his place. I need to first give God my all and let Him lead me to the right man that can have a place in my heart.
So, I’m okay. And when I think I’m not, I remind myself I will be. Time heals all wounds and I will now be able to work on myself FOR myself. You made me feel great and you made me feel awful. Those emotions have driven me to become a better version of myself and focus on loving myself.
Thank you.
