Since April of 2014, toxic levels of lead have caused the tap water in Flint, Mich., to be nearly undrinkable. Now, in January of 2016, people have actually decided to care. The federal government is now involved, investigating the water supply and trying to determine the source of the pollution. But the most important question is, once the source of the lead is identified, what do we do to remove it?

In an attempt to remove the high levels of lead from Flint’s water, Super President Mayor of Waterworks Inc. has proposed a plan to dump 100 tons of bleach into Lake Michigan. “The plan is foolproof,” Mrs. Mayor explains. “Bleach removes stains from clothing with ease, so it must be capable of removing lead from water.”

Mrs. Mayor claims to have done extensive research on the problem and plans to address it with the utmost importance. She believes that the source of the lead is a rare species of fish that can only be found in Lake Michigan, one that secretes the pollutant when startled. “Well, of course, they get their water from Lake Michigan,” Mrs. Mayor says. “It’s literally named after the state. Where else would they get it from?”

Once the bleach is released into the water, it will not only kill all of the lead-secreting fish, but also remove the lead that is already in the water, turning it back into the healthy source it once was. The residents of Flint will once again have a clean, safe source of water suitable for drinking.

“Well, technically, you can drink any liquid,” Mrs. Mayor comments when asked if it was safe to drink bleach water. “It’s not my place to say whether or not you should."

In order to accumulate this excessive amount of bleach, there will be a nationwide ration on the product, starting tomorrow. Get all of your laundry done today, because as of tomorrow, U.S. citizens will only be allowed one tablespoon of the cleaning product a month.

“It’s a tragedy that all this perfectly good bleach will be going to waste,” Mrs. Mayor laments, “but it’s the only solution.”