Dear Young Men,
When has being an ass ever gotten you anywhere in life? Besides being congratulated by your beloved ‘bro’ and given free beer for wearing a tank and a pair of Ray Bans.
Not to mention how much of a cliché some of you are:
We can spot you from a mile away.
We will look at you, think you’re extremely attractive, but avoid you like the plague.
There’s nothing wrong with a little confidence, but flaunting it like it’s this year’s hot new item can be a major turn off.
The crew cut, chubbies swim trunks, and polo shirt combo shouts,
“NOT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL!”
Do you know why?
Because you all have been put in a bubble of ‘douchebags only.’
Why do you believe that wearing the same outfit as your "brothers" will impress us?
It looks like an impromptu family photo-op whenever all of you are out at once.
When a swarm of men all in the same outfit come towards you, historically, it isn’t very inviting.
Frankly, you look like a cult: a cult of douchebags.
Poetic, isn’t it?
Let’s rewind to 2001 when an a-typical womanizer in a movie wore exactly what you are wearing today: sans the frosted tips.
We are also aware of the type of girl you’re looking for –
• Oblivious
• Loves to party
• “Hot”
Which excludes about 95% of the female population, according to “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Douchebagery.”
Every girl has had her fair share of heartache due to a snap-back wearing, penny-board riding, certified, a-hole.
I mean what girl wouldn’t be drawn to a well-groomed young man who looks like the epitome of who their parent’s want her to bring home to the family.
But low-and-behold, what fools us women must be, for these men wear masks and reveal their true selves in time.
A man who declares himself ‘King of the Castle’ will never have a Queen.
Every woman is a treasure; we are not objects. We will love you unconditionally, be by your side no matter what, make you your favorite meal, kiss you and hug you when you need it, and even endure your foul gaseous ways.
But if you’re a douche, all bet’s are off. No slutty brownies for you, or any baked goods for that matter.
You will only be left with Cup O’ Noodles -- cheap, fake, and there for you when you are desperate.
So, here’s a bit of advice to all of you men who fall in to this unfortunate category:
Don’t be a douchebag.
Sincerely,
Your Future Wives
