The concept of gender always confused me. I had never really considered it as an important part of my identity or, really, of how I viewed other people. I was always taught that one's sex matched one's gender, almost as if they were the same thing. In fact, I was always told they were synonyms until I had learned the difference only a few years ago. I had never really seen the importance of "accurate gender pronouns" until very recently (and still, at least on a personal level, don't really care about how you address me). It was around a year ago that I had a conversation with my sister on gender, where I told her about my confusion about gender identity. Her response was, "You may not understand it because, as a cis-man, you've never had to confront your gender differing from your sex."
In a way, this is me coming out to the world, but I am agender. I did not even know numerous different genders beyond cisgender and transgender until very recently, so I could not adequately express my confusion at her response. After all, I had indeed confronted my gender differing from my sex. I just had no means of adequately expressing that confusion, until recently.
I found this conversation particularly fascinating, and it was not until recently that I truly pondered our conversation. My sister, who I love with all my heart and who I know to be an incredibly progressive and empowered woman, heavily involved in the feminist community, had seemed to perpetuate that same cisnormativity other feminists have tried to combat. I know she did not mean to suggest that I had to be cisgender. I genuinely believe she had never considered the thought that I may not have been cisgender, and I understand. I wasn't offended by it, and I still am not. Yet, the conversation still fascinated me.
Cisnormativity is not just present in oppressive communities. I have noticed this quite often. When commenting on social issues, I have been told that me, being a man, have no right to discuss issues like the friend-zone. In that explanation, I was silenced for being a sex I do not identity as. Complete strangers have ended discussions on conversations we have disagreed on by calling me a "white cishet man." Ignoring the fact that they would have no means of knowing my race (which they are correct about, but still...), they assumed, based on a conversation that had nothing to do with gender, that I was cisgendered. This particular response has been a common one back before I accepted the title of feminism, but it does not make it accurate.
I suppose the message here is that, just because you claim the ideology of progress does not mean you act in the ideology of progress. Yes, it is likely not intentional, but it still perpetuates the normalization of gender. The first step is admitting there is a problem. Now we have to fix it.
