Do you remember the saying "There is no I in team" that we were told on the little league field? What happens when that I, is me, and that I is the odd ball out of the team? It is a really strange feeling, being the odd ball out, because you are still friends with all of your teammates, but you do not really fit in with them. I know, because that is me. I'm just a presence that plays the game, has stories that no one else relates to at team meals, listens to the "weird" and "unpopular" music, and is the worst one on the team. Sure, I get along well with all of my teammates, and I would do anything for any single one of them, but they just do not understand me. Here's what is like to be the odd ball out.
I have never really fit in with any team that I was ever on. When I played in high school, I was one of two freshman that were moved up to varsity, so really I never got to play with the team that I had grown up with. In college, I was expected to play with totally new people, and it was really weird, but slowly and surely we all became friends. however, I always knew that I was not the same as my teammates. For starters, I was not the kind of person to go out on Friday nights, to make myself known. I liked to stay in my dorm and watch movies or play video games. Honestly, it took until my second semester in college to find my pack of friends, that's how weird I am. Anyway, I quickly became lost in topics about people who I had no idea who they were or what they were about, and the distance grew from there.
When it comes to team meals, I am not a very good socializer with the rest of my team. I can really only talk about movies, music, or completely nerdy things like superheroes and books. I guess, in all honesty, I am happy in boringness, but those are the things that interest me. However, they do not interest anyone else on my team, so I am again at a loss for conversation within my team. Generally, I just sit there on my phone, texting my boyfriend with whom I can talk about these things with, listening every now and then to the topics going on at the table, and speaking when spoken to. Again, it is a weird feeling because it is like my body is there with them, but my mind is somewhere else.
When it comes to my sport, we are a small team of five. We do not travel in a bus, so trips are fun in our family sized van. However, the choice of music drives me insane. I am the only one who enjoys alternative rock, indie-rock, old school hip-hop, and classic rock. Instead, we listen to country or pop (mostly country) the whole trip. I mean don't get me wrong, if they like it, then by all means, listen to it, but just know I am chilling with my Beats on listening to The Notorious B.I.G., Imagine Dragons, or Lana del Rey. I am not trying to zone them out, but I do not enjoy that music, so again I seem to distance myself from everyone.
I do not help myself either by playing so much worse than my teammates. My anxiety gets the best of me most of the time, and I overthink a lot of stuff, but I beat myself up pretty hard when I do not play well. It just makes things worse because my scores are so much worse than my teammates', and I start thinking about how much I bring the team down and how I fail them. If I say anything to them, they are always super supportive to me. My anxiety flips me out, and I think that they know I'm terrible at golf, but they just don't want to say anything bad to me about it. I know my mistakes too, but it is just like I am afraid to play like I know I can. How bad I play also scares me about my future on the team, because I really do enjoy playing and I love my team. I just do not want to lose my small, insignificant place among this team.
Being the odd ball out is the weirdest thing, and honestly, I know I should try to fit in more. It is confusing though, because then I wouldn't be myself, and that would be even more weird. I guess I should just accept my role as the odd ball out, and continue to be my weird self. By no means am I complaining about my spot on the team, I just think it is a rather curious thing to be the odd ball out.
