How much fear is too much and how little fear is too dangerous? Is it normal to be scared to skydive? Do we want to be the person who never takes risks? What makes us all scared of different things? Do you ever take the dangerous Buzzfeed quizzes? Of course, it's more comfortable to take the low-risk quizzes like "what kind of French fry are you," "Pick your favorite celebrity outfit and we'll tell you something great about you" and "build your dream home and we'll tell you when you'll fall madly in love with the sexiest man ever."
Those ones naturally keep you up past midnight because who wouldn't want to answer those questions? But, do you ever click on the ones like "pick a color splotch and we'll tell you something people hate about you" or "Answer 5 questions and we will tell you your biggest fear"? Those ones I usually find to be stupid. It was amazing how they knew that I'm totally a curly fry because of my positive attitude, but that they know I fear death? I mean come on, they probably say that to everyone. Not one person is like "death? Not scared at all." If that person exists they are way too self-actualized to walk amongst us mere mortals and also I want to raid their self-help book library.
Anyways, if you think this is going to be a motivational article about facing your fears you're wrong. If you have a fear of being wrong though then you just faced it, so good for you! Since I have no place telling you how to conquer your fears since I didn't learn how to ride a bike till I was seven and still dash to the bathroom in the middle of the night because that's obviously when the monsters come out to play, I decided to tell you really dumb things I deeply fear. Maybe they'll resonate with you or you'll think I'm a total loser and never read my articles again. It's fine, my mom is still contractually obligated to read them so it's neither here nor there for me.
1. Mayonnaise
First of all, why does a condiment need this many syllables? I am not quite sure why I fear this so much, like none of the individual ingredients in it freak me out, but if I see it in a jar in the fridge I gag. Now, I know I've consumed it in sly ways over the course of my life. My mom snuck it in to some parmesan crusted chicken. Yeah anyone else with this fear, go yell at your Mom, she did it too. I have consumed it by choice on sushi rolls disguised as spicy mayo because that doesn't really count. The fear of the jar is different. I also don't want to see a big glob of it on a knife. I've danced with Mayo's boujee cousin, Aioli and we had a nice time, but let's say I'm not counting down the days to our next meeting.
2. Cheese dust
I really don't understand why more people don't have a problem with this. Any kind of orange coating and I recoil. Much fear. I don't like seeing other people eat them either. Specifically, the worst are the cheese balls, like the ones puffed with air. It's just an unnecessary food to even exist. *Skin crawls. Like I don't want that on my hands.
3. Babies with their ears pierced
I see these and I'm like ah! Get away from me! People say "I want to get her ears pierced now so she won't remember it hurting." Guess who remembers it?!? Me! Cause your baby is now super scary! She constantly looks like a tiny adult, not just during special occasions. New rule: If you can't wipe yourself, nay you can't even use a toilet, you don't get to wear jewels. That's a grown-up privilege. To me, it's worse than a baby in a suit for a wedding because a suit tells me you're heading in a nice direction in your life. Maybe you'll work at an investment banking company. You could be a hedge fund manager. The thing is when you're a little girl baby with your ears pierced you aren't always in your finery. You look like you've had a rough time like you have vomit on your onesie yet you're wearing opals so you don't give a $%*$.
It just looks to me like you're working at Hot Topic in the mall. Like I'm going to be there buying my hot school girl ironic stuff for Halloween while "Back in Black" is playing and this baby is just gonna pop up behind the counter to ring me up. She has a thing of diet Dr. Pepper on the counter and like a bag of Funions or something. Black chipped nail polish. The reason I say this is the babies are wearing earrings and maybe I'm not wearing any and I feel like they're like: what? I'm growing up too fast? You have a problem with that lady? What, do you still shop at Justice? Do you even have your ears pierced? This is why they scare me. It's intimidating and unnatural.
4. Suede
Who invented this and thought it felt good? Hmmm, something almost furry yet also slightly slimy, what a winning combo! Ew! No! The feeling of it just really gets me, like my hair stands up and everything. This is now sort of in the category with spicy mayo where sometimes I let it slide. Cause some things with suede are super cute.
5. Middle schoolers on social media
This is like second-hand embarrassment but the fear edition. I am genuinely terrified for the adults these kids will become and also how they will reflect on these posts in years to come. Probably similar to how you feel about me while reading this, but that's beside the point. If you've ever seen a 10-year-old's TikTok video you'd understand. A wave of terror kind of succumbs you and it's like you're uncomfortable and are unsure how to respond. It's like "Ack! Turn it off!" But if you say that then you're not being supportive. And then they ask you to do one with them and you give an enthusiastic "Sure!" hoping that the video doesn't ruin your life. I know when I was ten I was probably doing some cringe-worthy dancing to Ke$ha because waking up and brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack is relatable to anyone at any age, but there wasn't video footage of it. Some things are best kept between you and your bathroom mirror.
The bottom line is if a baby with ears pierced cloaked in a suede outfit chases after me holding anything that flakes off cheese dust and a ten-year-old is filming it for Instagram while throwing fistfuls of Mayo at me it'd be my worst nightmare.
