I'm 20 years old and I'm tired of always letting the people around me down.
I think my biggest fears in life are disappointing people, not living up to expectations and not being enough. I live to please others, I always have and I probably always will. How others see me has a huge influence on my life. I don’t want to be the lost girl. The girl who has no idea what she’s doing or how she got to where she is- but that’s who I have become. I do things without thinking or realizing what I’m actually doing or what’s happening and before I know it I’m at rock bottom with no clue how to get myself to higher ground. I’ve been trying to get my life together and be a better person for the past couple of months and somehow I continue to lose everything I care about and dig myself into a deeper hole. I never thought my life would get to this point. I live with this constant weight inside of me, it never goes away. Me and anxiety are like thunder and lightning- you can’t have one without the other. It's like a pressure on your chest that makes it almost impossible to breathe. I've been so low for so long that the motivation to search for myself and find myself has slowly diminished into nothing.
Everyone always asks what I what to do when I graduate and if I'm being honest I have no clue. I don't even know my work schedule for the rest of the week, how am I supposed to know what I want the rest of my life to be like??? But you guys, what they don't tell you is that YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW! With all of the chaos going on around me it finally hit me- just because you're 20 years old and living on your own does not mean you have to have your life figured out. Just because you're in college doesn't mean you have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. Just because you have financial responsibility doesn't mean you're always going to have money in your bank account. Honestly, living paycheck to paycheck at first is normal. Just because you don't have everything pieced together right now, doesn't mean you never will. So I will get my life together. I will get out of this hole in the ground and climb back up to the top of the mountain and scream at the top of my lungs because of pure freedom and excitement and I will get rid of all the doubt and anxiety inside of myself. But when it somehow creeps back in through the cracks inside of me and tries to take over again, I will be stronger than I was because of everything I've been through and it won't be able to take me as low as it did before. I'll be a better me. Someone once said "you are not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness". Your past is your past, your future is where you're headed. Don't let anyone make you forget that. Soon enough you'll get to where you're supposed to be, and so will I.
I'm 20 years old and I'm tired of letting myself down.
