Growing up people always ask "what's your biggest fear?" and more times than not, I would say clowns. Some would say snakes or spiders or heights or whatever other fears exist. They say things that, for the most part, are within their control. You can control not going on planes and not facing your fear of heights.  You can avoid going to the circus and horror films and never see a clown. 

But I can't avoid my ultimate fear. 

I am a third year preservice teacher. In just over a year, I will be taking my state licensing exam to become a teacher. 

That scares me the most. 

It doesn't scare me to teach a group of first graders how to read. It doesn't scare me to teach fourth grades algebra. It doesn't scare me to be observed or go to budget meetings. It doesn't scare me in that way. 

It scares me in light of the tragedy that is mass school shootings. My biggest fear, is being a teacher. 

How do I protect my 20 eight year olds when a man or woman decides to open fire at my elementary school? How do I keep them calm and quiet to avoid casualties? How do I walk into an elementary school every day with the constant weight of "what if this is my last day teaching?"

How is it okay to be more afraid of your biggest passion than it is to be afraid of burning alive?

I know what I have been called to do in this life. I know that one day, I am going to completely change the direction of a child for the better. I know that this is all I want to do. And it scares me.

One day, I could walk into my job, the career I KNOW without a doubt that I am supposed to be at, and never walk out. The odds are completely against me in this day. 

I think we, as a society, can change this fear that so many educators face each day. We can love on children especially those that are troubled. We can talk to them, but we can more so, listen to them. We can hug them. Maybe that's all it takes to change the "I'm going to shoot up the school" mentality. Maybe, we can be kind. Maybe, we can  fight less and love more. Maybe, we can be better advocates for children, mental health, and teachers. Maybe, we can be better. 

I don't want to walk into work and not walk out. I don't want to be faced with the quick decision to jump in front of a bullet because Lord knows I would do it without hesitation. 

I want to be a teacher. But I am afraid. Are you afraid to go to work everyday?