To preface, I wasn't popular in high school. However, I was a cheerleader and being well known came with the territory. My circle of friends were popular but I kind of sat on the back burner. Boys were interested in them and I never had a real boyfriend. Though my family could afford nice things, I didn't wear expensive clothes, I didn't listen to the Top 20 greatest hits and I definitely didn't turn heads walking down the halls. I had braces freshman year, I shopped at Forever 21 and listened to a lot of obscure music in comparison to my friends, thanks to my older sister who had good taste and introduced me to great music at a young age. To put it in simple terms, I was awkward. Of course that's still true, but at 26 I've come into my own and embrace who I am. In high school, I didn't want people to see who I really was. I wanted to fit in, as most teenage girls do. So I stayed in cheerleading, attempted to flirt with boys (something I wasn't good at), and bopped along to bubble gum pop music.
It wasn't until my junior year that I got tired of the facade. I didn't want to be a cheerleader, I didn't want to be grouped in with some of the mean girls I hung out with, because guilt by association is a powerful thing, and let me say that not all of them were jerks. Some of them I had seemingly great friendships with and called them my best friends. Still, I felt trapped.
Things started to change in March of my junior year. My cousin, the family member I was closest to, died suddenly due to a car accident. My world was shattered, I became so lost and so depressed. After that happened, it was like I wasn't there anymore. I had a hard time getting out of bed and staying focused in class. Ultimately, I stopped caring about the things I used to think mattered. Most of my friends were there for me during this time, for that I am grateful. Still, I wasn't the same and I knew things were going to change.
Fast forward to my senior year, things really took a turn. In January of 2008, I underwent spinal surgery for Kyphosis. Due to being teased more than for the correction itself. See, even though I hung out with the pretty and popular, it was still high school and kids were mean. People calling me a hunchback as I walked by, classmates I thought were friends taping pictures of The Hunchback of Notre Dame on my locker, I was done and I wanted it to stop. After pleading with my parents, my mom did her research and made the appointment. After the pain I went through emotionally, I went through that much more pain physically with recovery. I was out of school for three months, friends came to visit in the beginning but eventually that tapered off and I was essentially forgotten. I remember a friend saying to me "It's like you don't exist." Prior to the surgery, my mom finally let me quit cheerleading and I was so relieved. When I came back to school, I didn't socialize as much with my old friends and started spending more time with a girl that has never left my side no matter what has happened in life. She was and is so real and raw and accepted me for exactly who I am.
To Elle, you have surpassed a regular friendship and became a sister. A friendship that blossomed in 5th grade, when I was the new kid coming from a catholic school, our relationship has flourished so much and I don't know if I can ever truly express how much you mean to me and how many times you have saved me.
Over the years, the friends I used to have began to stay in touch less and less. That's not entirely one sided though, people move on and get new lives and it gets harder to communicate. A lot of those friendships really dissipated when I became pregnant in 2014. Though I was 24 years old and on my own, working full time to support only myself, I didn't get their support. I also didn't get a lot of congratulations, more like suggestions to get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption. They knew the father wasn't going to be around and without actually saying it, they didn't think I could do it. Although this hurt me, I eventually got over it. Some of them came around and they'll ask about my son or say they're proud of me. Which sometimes seems condescending, but I think their hearts are in the right place.
But who I am now is the truest version of myself. I am no longer the girl who pretends to be something she's not. I am no longer the girl who has to fake her way through life and friendships for the sake of appearances. I have few friends, but they're real. I am, for the most part, a thriving adult taking care of myself and my son. I think that's the most important part, that I am someone's mother and god am I lucky to have him. Regardless of our circumstances, he is the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't care how he got here, he's here and he's mine.
So no, no one cares who you were when you were a teenager. All that should matter is who you are now. I am incredibly happy to be who and where I am. Though it doesn't come without struggle, I would never change it. Because who I was, shaped who I am today. As cliche as that sounds, it couldn't be more true.
