Dear Friend,
You texted me again last night. I was eating with my friend and saw your name pop up on my screen. I decided that I would get back to you after my dinner. I put you on hold for thirty minutes before I called back to an unactivated voice mail. It took me four missed calls until I finally reached you.
That suspense really got to me.
I questioned myself a thousand times, writing possible scenarios, trying not to imagine the worse. The what ifs became frantic texts to our friends in our group chat and to facebook messages to your roommate. My fear spread to others, everyone who cares about you just as much as I do, until your name came back on my screen. I sighed before picking up, scared that you would ask about why I called you so much. Thankfully, you didn’t.
I never want you to feel like a burden because that is not what you are to me. All the times of hesitation isn't because your problems don't matter to me. Rather, its because my problems are easier to solve. To finish math problems is simpler than to find different ways to answer when you say that you want to die. My economics problem set requires less thinking than telling you that it’s going to be okay and make you believe it. I struggle because I can’t seem to find a way to help you the way I want to.
When we talk, I have no idea what to say to you. You were always better with words than me. I can never understand what you’re going through especially because my past experience is not equal to your now. Empathy was never a strong suit. The best I can do is to just be there when you need me to.
I let you know I’m here; I tell you stories that might make you laugh; I make you watch videos that I find funny; I share secrets of mine; I force you into my future, making plans for our trips to Europe when we turn 21; mostly, I try to get your mind to stop thinking about yourself and instead think of me, something concrete in your life. I’m not sure if any of that helps, but I want you to know that I deeply care for you.
This might sound kind of silly (cringe as you would say) and even a little selfish, but I feel like I should put it into concrete words even if I already told you before. You mean a lot to me and no matter what I will be there for you. So continue to contact me when you need and even when you don’t need. You don’t have to talk about it but even if you do, I’m prepared to be not scared. Take your time. Take as many ‘no’s until you can say ‘yes’ to my ‘are you okay’s and mean it. This will all pass, and I will be there until the end.
I love you.
Sincerely,
Your friend
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7
