I’m sorry that I couldn’t settle for you:

I spent almost two years of my life trying to make you happy. I tried so hard to make you love me, to change you, to make us something that we clearly never would be. I wasted my time working so hard for someone who just kept pushing me further and further away. At the time I thought that you were good enough for me, too good for me. I know now though that I am too good for you. This is not a letter to hurt your feelings or even make you angry this is just me telling you and the rest of the world that I deserve better than you.

I remember this one time, we had just moved in together. It was the middle of winter and I was so sick. I came home from work early and sat on the bathroom on the floor, vomiting, dry heaving, sweating and I even after I was done I was too weak to even pick myself up and get into bed. When you came home, two hours later than you said. You walked into the bathroom, looked at me with the most disgusted face and yelled at me for asking you to come home when I knew that you were busy. Then you proceeded to ask me what I expected you to eat for dinner and when I threw up again and started crying you walked outside, got into your truck and left. That was the most ill I had ever been and on top of it I was worried you hated me, because... I was sick. You didn’t care that I didn’t feel good. You didn’t offer to help me or god forbid take care of me. You were more concerned about yourself. Just like you always were.

Our relationship consisted of me screaming at the top of my lungs on my knees begging you to love me almost every day, begging you to want me and begging you to put me first just once.

The first time you cheated on me I felt like I was going to die. All of the pain I had ever felt hit me at the same time and I couldn’t even cry because I was so broken. When I confronted you about it you got angry with me. Not because you were denying it or embarrassed but because it was simply not okay for me to be upset. I stayed with you without even a small apology because I loved you and you stayed with me because I loved you.

My High School graduation was such an important day for me. I was so excited to go get my hair and make-up done with my friends and ride with them to the ceremony. My entire family was up from all around the country and I wanted you to be so happy for me. I didn’t do my hair and make-up with my friends, I didn’t drive with them to the ceremony and I barely saw my family. That weekend you were so mad at me that all I paid attention to was trying to make you happy. I didn’t know why at the time but now I see that weekend wasn’t about you. You were jealous that I was getting attention. You wouldn’t even take a picture with me in my cap and gown.

I could tell you so many more stories of when you let me down, but that isn’t really the point. The point it this: I learned that I deserve better, that I will never settle for anyone that makes me feel any less than perfect, that I want to tell my story to other women that are in a toxic relationship to let them know that they are so much better off than being with a man that will never act like a man. Getting rid of you was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and I stand by my decision to not settle for you.