If you read my article "Preferring To Be Alone Doesn't Mean That I'm Stuck Up," you'll know I like to be a lone wolf and have time for myself. Well, most of the time. The other 25% of the time, I really want to be out with friends, have fun, go crazy, and go to different events. Though, I feel like I'm stopped from doing it.
A part of my brain says one thing but the other says another. It feels like having two people fighting over what I should do but, in reality, I'm fighting with yourself. For the majority of my life, I would describe myself pretty shy or I'm quiet until you get to know me, which is true. Though, I think that's the social anxiety that's talking.
It's been really difficult to put myself out there because of the fear of being judged and embarrassing myself. I'm even afraid to go out to grab food by myself.
In my opinion, I feel like there are three different types of people in the world. The first type is the always outgoing person. They are always out, know what to say, and not afraid to say what they want to say. Their bubbly personality kind of wins everyone over and you never get to see another side of them besides this one.
The second type is where you can see that the person is introverted but they hide it by trying to put themselves out there. They are able to start and hold a conversation without running out of anything to say. However, you can tell that they are really pushing themselves to be social even if they don't want to.
The last type is one I know far too well which are the extreme introverts. It's difficult to develop close relationships except for a few close niche people they feel comfortable with. It feels so draining to keep up socially so they prefer to be alone which is normal but there's a point where it feels kind of lonely and isolating.
For me, I experience everything that I just mentioned. I try to get out of social situations but I get so scared and nervous that I start burning up, my heart beating fast, and I feel like running out of places because I feel so awkward. I can't speak a word to someone without my voice trembling or crackles. I have no idea why I feel like this constantly because I never was like this.
I found out that social anxiety is common and there are multiple causes of social anxiety but personally, it has come from my past experiences. However, recently I have been trying to not let my past infer with how I want to be now and in the future. I'm still working on myself so I don't allow myself to go down a path that I don't want to end up on.